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Friday, September 26, 2003

Friday's Fresnotes

We can remember Aaron Espinoza from his days on the Hoover High School volleyball team, and from his early '90s grunge garage band Ledge (which played the crusty downtown Cadillac Club). But now LA Weekly brings us the story of Earlimart, his band now roaming the airwaves of MTV2.

Glad to see we're not the only ones with an unhealthy Central Valley obsession. According to his ex-girlfriend: "You can take the boy out of Fresno, but you cannot take Fresno out of the boy." True dat.
posted by The Governor @ 12:01 PM  

Weekend Getaway...

No plans this weekend? Want to get out of town...really far away from civilization as you know it? Make arrangements to get here! The Governor loves it.
posted by Alan @ 10:05 AM  
Thursday, September 25, 2003

How do you like them apples?

Navigating today's headlines can be quite depressing. After stumbling onto this fine little article I was all smiles. Click the link to learn how columnist Dave Barry turned the tables on the annoying telemarketers.


posted by Alan @ 4:33 PM  

My Intro

Well, it’s taken forever, but the resident carnies, clowns and magicians in the Greatest Show on Earth also known as our national government have finally agreed on something that actually benefits each and every one of us: The No-Call List. God Bless America! In light of this momentous achievement, I would like to propose a radical idea that will change the face of one night stands and awkward random sex forever. I’m talking about the National Playas No Call List. For a minimal sign-up fee, hook up artists will have the freedom to make as many of those necessary promises needed (“What?! This is NOT just a one night thing. I really feel something here. I promise we’re getting together again”) to “advance the runner” home before the night is over. Profess your love, enter her number into your cell phone, and most important, give her every single phone number you have (work, cell, home) – always the clincher in these situations. Even call one of your own numbers to prove they’re not random. Then sit back, relax and enjoy the comforts of anonymous, random ugly-bumping. When you’re done and done, send her number to the NPNCL and you’re home free. But please don’t be an idiot – use a condom.

Street Hawk Lives: Check him out.
posted by Matthieu @ 3:54 PM  

I Am Not Your Friendster, Vol. 1

And now… a new feature here at Fresyes, in which we make fun of Friendster profiles created by people we do not know. (They're not even friends of our friends.) If you have any potential victims, please email them to fresyes99@hotmail.com

Victim: "Helen"

Residence: Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.

Hometown: Philadelphia, Pa.

Redeeming qualities: Appears to have decent taste in music (e.g., Stones, Smiths, Iggy), and she apparently has embarked on many "adventures" with a Friendster user named "Jenelle." According to Jenelle's testimonial for Helen, "Man, have we been through adventures together!"

Why she's worth making fun of: See "Residence."

Profile effort grade: A solid B+. She has accumulated more than 80 "friends" on Friendster, which shows her devotion to nurturing an online network. And posting three photos goes well beyond the "flair quota" for most Friendster profiles. However, we would like to see her expand her "About Me" section.

Overall Friendster grade: B+
posted by The Governor @ 1:47 PM  

A Little Sympathy From My Friends...

Thank you Mr. Governor. Ah yes, Proposition 13...I can distinctly remember my parents discussing it nearly 25 years ago, when I was a fledging two-year-old.

First, off however, let's set the stage for Mr., "...I live in NY now." You hail from Fresno...You cannot escape that fact. Matter of fact, your whole family still lives in this state, so you'd better start caring about what transpires in your homeland.

Property taxes are, to this day, insane in California -- I know because I'm paying them soon. Additionally, housing prices are simply crazy...You can relate to that in NY.

The issue at hand is simple economics. State legislatures are told at the beginning of each fiscal year exactly how much money (funding) will be available. They have opted not to work within those parameters...Instead, the pattern (As Arnold eloquently described at last night's debate) has been, "...spend, spend, spend, realize mistake, tax, tax, tax."

It's a never-ending cycle, akin to that long drive from civilization to Fresno - no end in sight. What we need is some responsibility and a serious shift away from political bullshit. Let's quit the name calling and the party-bias and just focus on making sure we don't spend what we don't have and only fund things we need.
posted by Alan @ 1:46 PM  

California… Knows How to Debate

Forget Ohio: Jerry Springer needs to get his ass back to California if he ever wants to run for office. At the very least, he would've been a great moderator for Wednesday night's debate for the California goobernatorial recall election. (Here's a debate post-mortem, care of the Washington Post.) Thankfully, I live in New York right now and do not have to sully myself with deciding between Arnold, Arianna, Cruz, Tom, The Old Gray Lady, the porn star and Arnold Jackson.

I guess it would be kind of entertaining to have a has-been action star for Governor… probably a better choice than anyone else. But the truth is, Mr. Al, it doesn't matter who is in charge of the state, because the voters have Propositioned and Initiative'd it into paralysis. Meanwhile, developers have turned every non-coastal city into an asphalt craphole crawling with big-box stores and auto malls, coated with a nice blanket of brown air. And this all happened long before Gray Davis and his blow-dryer showed up on the Capitol steps.

California isn't the only state that's broke -- nearly every state is in the hole. The federal government is even worse shape (but thankfully, they have credit cards). So why is California the only state with the brass ones to try recalling their governor? You're all high on medicinal marijuana. That's why.

So, while you're cleaning up the bong water, read this primer on the real downfall of California: Proposition 13.

posted by The Governor @ 1:06 PM  
Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Arnold, Going Commando?

Ok folks, for those of you who don't reside in California, here's the deal: Yes, we're firing our Governor, Gray Doofus (er, Davis) because he plunged our state into at $35 billion deficit, lied about it to get re-elected, was responsible for the power crisis last year and develops policy and legislation for those with the biggest check books. Like a fast ball to Bonds over the plate, he's out-of-here.

Who will step up? Lots of candidates are available to choose from - you might have seen some if you saw Leno the other night. One of the favorites, Arnold S. (I won't even try to spell his last name) is causing all sorts of hoopla. Yesterday, rumors surfaced that he appeared in some nude photos back when he was winning Mr. Olympia contests.

My question for you all, does this matter?
posted by Alan @ 12:14 PM  
Monday, September 22, 2003

Could've happened to anyone of us...or maybe just me...

I'm posting this article so everyone can read it now and not be so shocked when you read the one about me later this month.

-JT Rocks Your Body
posted by Giants Fan @ 3:53 PM