Just what the little ones need this holiday season: Ann Coulter, the talking action figure. Turn them into radical right wingers when they're good and impressionable.
"Why not go to war just for oil, we need oil," says the little plastic conservative slut. "What do Hollywood celebrities imagine fuels their private jets? How do they think their cocaine is delivered to them?"
Well, that fun quip might just be worth $29.99.
There's also a Bill Clinton doll. Don't leave him alone with your Barbie.
November 25, 2003
Just in time for Hanukkah
November 24, 2003
Song Airlines: Still Cooler Than America West
In case the "Song Talent" didn't use the intercom to bash it into your skull during your last flight, Delta's Song Airlines is now the official airline of uber-cool and trendy people.
And according to Gothamist, they're getting even uber-cooler — by sponsoring New York's Meatpacking District. Does that mean I'll get frequent-flier miles if I go to Pastis?
Quit bitin' on JetBlue, and we'll all be fine.
Fresnotes, Vol. 5: The O.C. Meets the 'NO
It's been a banner couple weeks for Fresno on television, as our friend Carrie B. reports. First, Earlimart's song "We Drink on The Job" was featured on The O.C., and then the cold blooded city got mentioned "a whopping three times" on NBC's Las Vegas, starring James Caan, she says.
And just like Vegas, what happens in Fresno, stays in Fresno.
And just like Vegas, what happens in Fresno, stays in Fresno.
And You Got the Methadone, Baby
Confirming previous medical studies published by doctors Robert Palmer ("Addicted to Love") and Roxy Music ("Love is the Drug"), Dr. John Marsden of the National Addiction Center at London's Maudsley Hospital tells us that love is, in fact, "as addictive as cocaine."
If you can wade through all this complex medical jargon, Dr. Marsden's addiction theory is summed up thusly: "We all know you can have sex without falling in love but if you have enough sex with the same person there's a good chance you will hit the body's booby trap which is there to tip you head over heels into love," he said.
If you can wade through all this complex medical jargon, Dr. Marsden's addiction theory is summed up thusly: "We all know you can have sex without falling in love but if you have enough sex with the same person there's a good chance you will hit the body's booby trap which is there to tip you head over heels into love," he said.
November 23, 2003
Get Your Fresyes Trucker Hat
Just in time for Christmas, Fresyes now has its own schwag for sale. Check out shirts, mugs, hats and thongs at The Fresyes Store.
Fresnotes, Vol. 3
This one's a classic:
"Got busy in Frisco, fooled around in Fresno,
Got over on your girlie cause you know she never says no."
-The Beastie Boys, "Get on the Mic," from Paul's Boutique. We can presume the Beasties did the aforementioned fooling around during their tour with Run-DMC... which I missed when it hit Selland Arena. Damn.
"Got busy in Frisco, fooled around in Fresno,
Got over on your girlie cause you know she never says no."
-The Beastie Boys, "Get on the Mic," from Paul's Boutique. We can presume the Beasties did the aforementioned fooling around during their tour with Run-DMC... which I missed when it hit Selland Arena. Damn.
From the Dept. of Home Fries Security
Look around you, breakfast eaters. There is a conspiracy afoot in the New York restaurant business -- a conspiracy that once again became painfully clear to me during an early-afternoon breakfast at the Moonstruck Diner on Saturday. The problem? There are no hash browns available in this city.
NO, I'm not talking about "home fries," those poorly cooked potato chunks that get slopped onto every brunch plate, getting cold next to the eggs benedict. I also don't mean McDonald's hash-brown patties (though those are certainly tasty in their own brick-like way). "Real" hash browns are the shredded potatoes that get crispy on top and come in a nice pile of greasy goodness -- and for some reason, not ONE restaurant in Manhattan serves them. (If you know of any, please email fresyes2003@yahoo.com ASAP.)
Whether you like them covered and smothered or just raw, Fresyes feels your pain, and we are spearheading a campaign to bring hash browns to NY. If you support the cause, send this link to friends, family members and loved ones. By raising awareness, the call for hash browns cannot be ignored. Viva La Revolucion!
During our extensive research, we also found out that hash browns even have their own hard-rock anthem:
"With some grease and lard and potato and shit
Go fry me some onions and step on it
Fuck the egg and the bacon and the toast
Just gimme the breakfast that packs in the most"
November 18, 2003
A win for cell phones
You can't do this with your Nokia.
November 13, 2003
The Footage You Weren't Supposed to See
This is an old link... but dammit if I keep falling for it. Check out this exclusive footage of the Siegfried & Roy tiger mauling.
November 12, 2003
Truffle Shuffle Time
Let it first be said that I once met Richard Donner, and he was a great guy. (Superman and Conspiracy Theory, both solid flicks.) Let it also be said that I once loved the idea of a Goonies reunion movie. I mean, wouldn't we all love to get Martha Plimpton some more work?
But, if this craptastic script synopsis is any indication, I think I'd rather see a sequel to Gymkata:
Sayeth director Donner: "The new group is called the Groonies, because they happen to live in a town where (Data), the Chinese kid, lives ... and he's got an electronics repair shop and all the kids hang out at his shop. He has this Chinese accent and he calls the Goonies the Groonies, and so the new kids call themselves the Groonies, until they get into a situation where the old Goonies have to save the new Groonies, or vice versa."
Lord help us.
Fresnotes, Vol. 2: The Shocking True Story
Lo and behold, this week's cover of People magazine features a Fresnan. Okay, it's massage therapist Amber Frey, the "other woman" in the ongoing Laci Peterson murder case. Once again, Fresno appears to be the backdrop for a tragic tale of corrupt morals, shattered dreams and fishing alibis. Which got me thinking…
I am not an entrepreneur, nor do I currently live in Fresno, but someone right now must be drawing up a map for a tasteless new tourism scheme. (More tasteless, I would argue, than having an actor as mayor.) Perhaps Scott Peterson's Homicidal Husband Adventures ® could offer visitors a guided tour of all the spots where creepy, restless Central Valley yuppies lurk for love… and/or hitmen. I'll supply the first two stops, but after that, you're on your own:
-World Sports Café: Once the flagship of northeast Fresno's bustling pseudo-downtown promenade, Riverpark, this bar and eatery now is tainted with the odor of desperate Modestoans hoping to cheat on their pregnant spouses. (Factoid: World Sports is co-owned by former San Francisco 49ers player Tim McDonald!) It's here that Scott Peterson is purported to have met Ms. Frey, who allegedly was unaware that the tall, dark and handsome Cal Poly alumnus was a married man. Did she also know he was a fertilizer salesman? We wonder.
-City Lights: Fresno's premier gentleman's club (and by "gentlemen" we mean "Nazi bikers"). At this Sunnyside lap-dance establishment, a convict claims to have encountered Scott Peterson allegedly asking his fellow patrons (two guys named "Dirty" and "Skeeter," to be exact) for assistance in kidnapping his wife. While you're there, ask for the very same "notoriously vicious prison gang that engages in murders and kidnapping, extortion and drug running."
Tell 'em the Governor sent you.
November 11, 2003
It's Yo Birfday
The only perk to being a celebrity: Getting a congratulatory card from these guys:
September 21, 1959 | Dave Coulier | actor
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Uncle Joey,
Happy 44th Birthday!
I swear, I had predicted you’d be the big star post-"Full House" and John Stamos would be sleeping in the gutter. Man, did I have that backwards.
Happy Birthday!
September 21, 1959 | Dave Coulier | actor
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Uncle Joey,
Happy 44th Birthday!
I swear, I had predicted you’d be the big star post-"Full House" and John Stamos would be sleeping in the gutter. Man, did I have that backwards.
Happy Birthday!
Dear Loser: Account Temporarily Unavailable
We apologize, but your Hotmail account is temporarily unavailable. Yes, yes, we know. Microsoft is the largest corporation on the planet, capable of swallowing tiny companies, crushing souls, killing competitors and spying on everything you watch and read. But for some reason, we still haven't figured out how to keep our email service from crashing every morning. And then there's that annoying little "server too busy" message. Don't you just hate that?
Bill Gates would be happy to hear your complaints, but he's busy swimming in money right now. We do not expect this delay to last much longer, so please continue to check our site for your account status. But don't hold your breath.
© 2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Don't even think about taking our stuff. Ours. No touch.
-Meantime, feel free to email us at our NEW email address, fresyes2003@yahoo.com.
-Oh, and get your own Fuck Hotmail address.
A Single Girl's Lament
Ahhh to be single again and dealing with idiot single boys. Naw, I'd rather be knocked up and happily married. This one is a riot! Click on "Gay Boyfriend" and don't forget to turn up your speakers, yo!
November 7, 2003
Mo Kin Care of Business
The sonogram was helpful, but Fresyes contributor Giants Fan has just returned from the doctor with new video of her daughter-to-be. And just like her mother, it appears she's talented beyond her years!
The Fat Man Sings ... in the 'No
Fresno is claiming culture now with its multimilliondollar Save Mart Center. Tonight the place opens with a star performance by Andrea Bocelli, and Elton John is the next on the bill. No more getting excited over monster truck rallies and gun shows, I guess.
The mayor got a little ego boost, too. "Fresno has been kicked around over the years," Mayor Alan Autry told the sf chron. "Some of that was justified, and some was not."
Don't worry, we'll still kick it around.
The mayor got a little ego boost, too. "Fresno has been kicked around over the years," Mayor Alan Autry told the sf chron. "Some of that was justified, and some was not."
Don't worry, we'll still kick it around.
November 6, 2003
I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
In Californian news tonight, our kids are so damned fat they can't even walk to school without getting winded.
November 5, 2003
I Want My $5
I stole this baseball card from whatevs.org not so much because I care that the Yankees have hired their beloved Don Mattingly as the new hitting coach, but mainly because it stirred up painful memories of my youth.
You see, when I was first starting my baseball-card collection (a hobby that never really took off for me... but I digress), the crown jewel was my 1982 Topps Don Mattingly (street value: 5 bucks). One day, my brother had a "friend" over, and the bastard stole it right from under me. If karma has its way, one can only hope the guy is now filling the fried-chicken tray at Popeye's in Chowchilla.
November 4, 2003
Toby Keith? Aisle 3, Next to Produce
Fresno State's very own Save Mart Center opens on Friday, and the Bee has done a bang-up job hyping this modern architectural marvel with a special souvenir section. Now, while all you old-timers mourn the impending demise of downtown's rickety old Selland Arena (Uh, hey guys, what happened to that "downtown revitalization" project? Didn't we just build a new baseball stadium down there?) I'm going to try to decide between Elton John tickets and that Fresno Falcons-Long Beach Ice Dogs matchup.
Re: Ratings Grabber
Just to clarify, I'm not arguing that terrible things aren't happening in Iraq...just wondering why that's all that makes the evening news? Where are the stories about kids going back to school, torture chambers being destroyed, water/electricity/food/medicine flowing into regions that have never had those resources before?
There is definitely an inbalance in reporting going on over there, with the bias falling heavily on the anti-Bush policy side. I would like to see a range of news from the region, covering all aspects of what's going on.
As for the US soldiers' deaths, clearly the war is not over and Bush should never have declared major combat operations over...tell that to the GIs who are getting zapped out of their Humvees. If I were calling the shot, the B-52s would still be pulverizing the bad guys.
I agree, it's our mess and we need to clean it up, but why aren't we putting more pressure on the Iraqi people we freed to help? We're clearly not getting any support from the rest of the world. Can't they help crack down and deter the anti-coalition groups who are still targeting coalition forces?
Maybe they are...and we just don't know it.
As for the last comment, it's almost laughable (where did you find it?). In war, you're supposed to kill people...and you accomplish that by assaulting them. Fuzzy logic, I know.
CONGRATS TO FAVI AND JOSH!
There is definitely an inbalance in reporting going on over there, with the bias falling heavily on the anti-Bush policy side. I would like to see a range of news from the region, covering all aspects of what's going on.
As for the US soldiers' deaths, clearly the war is not over and Bush should never have declared major combat operations over...tell that to the GIs who are getting zapped out of their Humvees. If I were calling the shot, the B-52s would still be pulverizing the bad guys.
I agree, it's our mess and we need to clean it up, but why aren't we putting more pressure on the Iraqi people we freed to help? We're clearly not getting any support from the rest of the world. Can't they help crack down and deter the anti-coalition groups who are still targeting coalition forces?
Maybe they are...and we just don't know it.
As for the last comment, it's almost laughable (where did you find it?). In war, you're supposed to kill people...and you accomplish that by assaulting them. Fuzzy logic, I know.
CONGRATS TO FAVI AND JOSH!
Fresyes Bringeth Life
Our favorite Fresyes contributor, Giants Fan, just got back from the doctor... and it turns out the Indian food wasn't causing all that projectile vomiting. She and her husband are expecting their own little Giant Fan. Congratulations! All name suggestions can be forwarded to fresyes99@hotmail.com. (Unacceptable suggestions: Dusty, Giambi, Hideki or Chris Isaak.) For the record, mom predicts it's gonna be a girl.
A Real Ratings Grabber
Uhhh... Quick question: Can anyone explain to me how a "liberal media" can put a "negative spin" on a helicopter crash that kills 15 soldiers? Is there a positive angle we're missing there? Or, better yet, can you tell me how guerrilla attacks on coalition forces can be construed as evidence that all Iraqis are "ungrateful"? My take: singlehandedly dismantling a country's government is ugly, time-consuming business. Perhaps the Commander-in-Iceman-Flight-Suit should've thought about that rather than plot a parade route so Iraqis can greet the U.S. with flowers and little foil-wrapped chocolates.
It's our mess to clean up. Like it or not.
Meantime, let's change the subject and look back at a different botched war. This shocking news series from the Toledo Blade tells us about Tiger Force, an elite fighting unit of the U.S. Army that got a wee bit out of control. "Prisoners were tortured and executed -- their ears and scalps severed for souvenirs. One soldier kicked out the teeth of executed civilians for their gold fillings."
After a probe, "Investigators concluded that 18 soldiers committed war crimes ranging from murder and assault to dereliction of duty. But no one was charged."
Oh, wait: Was war supposed to be fun?
Fine, to hell with them...
With risk of starting a discussion on the Iraqi war, I must say that all the recent attacks against coalition forces are driving me insane. Is the info we're getting part of a larger liberal media attempt to dissuade American support of the liberation of Iraq? Or is it true that, despite our desire to free them from a repressive regime, the people don't want us there?
If the latter is correct, then let's get the hell out now and let those ungrateful bastards fend for themselves.
If the latter is correct, then let's get the hell out now and let those ungrateful bastards fend for themselves.
November 3, 2003
@ home with the Fresyes Handyman
Fresyes is launching a new do-it-yourself column where your resident handyman will answer home/condo/apartment-improvement questions with only a bit of sarcasm. Is your toilet running incessantly? Got a loose door knob? Need a storage solution for that stack of Maxims under your bed? Strap on your... err.. tool belt and e-mail questions to mattberger10@hotmail.com. There's nothing (except a Niners victory) that together we can't fix.
You're Halfway There
In other news...
The NFC is in turmoil again as the Niners positively whomped the Rams this weekend. Do the Niners have a shot at the playoffs? Will Rattay replace Garcia at QB? Next two months will decide.
The bigger story...
Looks like The Governor has gone ballistic, making-up for a long drought with several interesting posts. Nestled in between ramblings about some airline and CMJ is the real gem though...The Story of the Bling-Bling. Our little man is growing up quickly, having begun engaging life's more pressing issues -- platinum or white gold.
Come on Mr. Governor, support uncle Visa and pull the trigger!
Come on Mr. Governor, support uncle Visa and pull the trigger!
Overheard on a Hip Airline
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: "Thank you for flying Song. While you sit patiently on the tarmac, I'm going to spend the next 10-15 minutes telling you a little bit about Song and our very hip, edgy flying experience. Meanwhile, our Song 'talent' will walk the aisles with brightly colored orange menus, which you'll notice match quite nicely with our leather seats and designer outfits.
Our Song 'talent' have been hand-picked from a list of people who were almost hired at JetBlue. But as our corporate parent Delta Airlines would like us to point out, we are a very unique, boutique airline, aimed at the progressive 18-35-year-old demographic. And we want to know how to best to personalize your flying experience to fit your needs.
At Song, we're more than an airline, we are a way of life. In your seat pockets, please turn to Chapter 12 in the Song Airlines hymnal, and let's repeat the following Song Pledge of Allegiance…"
You want to personalize my flying experience, 'Song Talent'? Stop yapping on the damn intercom and let me listen to my music in peace.
About us
Fresyes is a web collective whose current interests include (but are not limited to) rock music, the central valley, new york city, chipotle burritos, "granny gridlock" and people who hamper the flow of pedestrian traffic.
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- Christmas Tree Lane
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- This Explains a Lot
- Dr. Doom's 12-Step Program for Revamping Fresno State's Football Program
- Fresnotes, Vol. 397
- Over the Hill?
- A Fresyes Xmas: It's the Most Profitable Time of the Quarter
- Don't Fight It
- A Very Fresno Thanksgiving
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- tv:: the office (usa), shepard smith, kitchen confidential, the o.c.
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