This is an old link... but dammit if I keep falling for it. Check out this exclusive footage of the Siegfried & Roy tiger mauling.

Let it first be said that I once met Richard Donner, and he was a great guy. (Superman and Conspiracy Theory, both solid flicks.) Let it also be said that I once loved the idea of a Goonies reunion movie. I mean, wouldn't we all love to get Martha Plimpton some more work?

But, if this craptastic script synopsis is any indication, I think I'd rather see a sequel to Gymkata:

Sayeth director Donner: "The new group is called the Groonies, because they happen to live in a town where (Data), the Chinese kid, lives ... and he's got an electronics repair shop and all the kids hang out at his shop. He has this Chinese accent and he calls the Goonies the Groonies, and so the new kids call themselves the Groonies, until they get into a situation where the old Goonies have to save the new Groonies, or vice versa."

Lord help us.

Lo and behold, this week's cover of People magazine features a Fresnan. Okay, it's massage therapist Amber Frey, the "other woman" in the ongoing Laci Peterson murder case. Once again, Fresno appears to be the backdrop for a tragic tale of corrupt morals, shattered dreams and fishing alibis. Which got me thinking…

I am not an entrepreneur, nor do I currently live in Fresno, but someone right now must be drawing up a map for a tasteless new tourism scheme. (More tasteless, I would argue, than having an actor as mayor.) Perhaps Scott Peterson's Homicidal Husband Adventures ® could offer visitors a guided tour of all the spots where creepy, restless Central Valley yuppies lurk for love… and/or hitmen. I'll supply the first two stops, but after that, you're on your own:

-World Sports Café: Once the flagship of northeast Fresno's bustling pseudo-downtown promenade, Riverpark, this bar and eatery now is tainted with the odor of desperate Modestoans hoping to cheat on their pregnant spouses. (Factoid: World Sports is co-owned by former San Francisco 49ers player Tim McDonald!) It's here that Scott Peterson is purported to have met Ms. Frey, who allegedly was unaware that the tall, dark and handsome Cal Poly alumnus was a married man. Did she also know he was a fertilizer salesman? We wonder.

-City Lights: Fresno's premier gentleman's club (and by "gentlemen" we mean "Nazi bikers"). At this Sunnyside lap-dance establishment, a convict claims to have encountered Scott Peterson allegedly asking his fellow patrons (two guys named "Dirty" and "Skeeter," to be exact) for assistance in kidnapping his wife. While you're there, ask for the very same "notoriously vicious prison gang that engages in murders and kidnapping, extortion and drug running."

Tell 'em the Governor sent you.

The only perk to being a celebrity: Getting a congratulatory card from these guys:

September 21, 1959   |   Dave Coulier   |   actor
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Dear Uncle Joey,

Happy 44th Birthday!

I swear, I had predicted you’d be the big star post-"Full House" and John Stamos would be sleeping in the gutter. Man, did I have that backwards.

Happy Birthday!

We apologize, but your Hotmail account is temporarily unavailable. Yes, yes, we know. Microsoft is the largest corporation on the planet, capable of swallowing tiny companies, crushing souls, killing competitors and spying on everything you watch and read. But for some reason, we still haven't figured out how to keep our email service from crashing every morning. And then there's that annoying little "server too busy" message. Don't you just hate that?

Bill Gates would be happy to hear your complaints, but he's busy swimming in money right now. We do not expect this delay to last much longer, so please continue to check our site for your account status. But don't hold your breath.

© 2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Don't even think about taking our stuff. Ours. No touch.

-Meantime, feel free to email us at our NEW email address, fresyes2003@yahoo.com.
-Oh, and get your own Fuck Hotmail address.

Ahhh to be single again and dealing with idiot single boys. Naw, I'd rather be knocked up and happily married. This one is a riot! Click on "Gay Boyfriend" and don't forget to turn up your speakers, yo!