Tons of news today:
1. For your retching displeasure: The full Red Cross report on abuse in Iraq prisons. The violations were "tantamount to torture" -- including brutality, hooding, humiliation and threats of "imminent execution." Not only that, but "We were dealing here with a broad pattern, not individual acts. There was a pattern and a system."
Meantime, for a fictional parallel reaction, hear Colonel Jessup give it to Tom Cruise.
2. Tarkanian may be gone, but the trouble continues: Former Fresno State hoops player Terry Pettis is wanted by police in connection with the April 27 shooting death of college student Rene Shannon Abbott.
3. Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange: Not dead, after all. But it's not out of the realm of possibility -- Vegas can do that to a person. I got away from the weekend with a slight sunburn.
4. Raefried Beans alerts us to this story about loft-living coming to suburban Colorado. All of the isolation and sprawl of a regular suburb, but with a totally hip new design!
5. Nevermind that I didn't even watch the show or its stupid finale. But ESPN's resident wiseguy Bill Simmons makes a great point: Were the people on "Friends" really friends? Herewith:
"I trickled back for more punishment during the Chandler-Monica thing, became repulsed as Chandler turned into a whipped, emasculated parody of himself (it's bad enough dealing with friends like this in real life, isn't it?), then quit cold turkey when Joey fell for Rachel. They did it again! Rachel was Ross's girl! He had been in love with her for like 10 years! She was pregnant with his kid, for God's sake! And they have the nerve to call the show 'Friends.' "
On the same day, Double Agent sent us tips on whether it's okay to pursue your buddy's ex-girlfriend. A few of the rules:
If He Dumped Her:
a. Wait a minimum of six months after they break up (or at least did the deed), and add six more months of waiting time for each year they dated.
b. If they still sleep together on occasion, don't get involved. There's still an attachment there and someone's going to get hurt. It's probably going to be you.
If She Dumped Him:
a. If she was cruel about the breakup, you probably want to forget it. Why would you want to go there anyway?
b. If she was cool, wait a minimum of one year after they break up (or last slept together), and add six more months of waiting time for every year that they dated. Add additional six months for every time he cries over her in public.
c. If they still sleep together on occasion, don't get involved. Clearly, she enjoys torturing him, and may just be seeking an accomplice for further means of torment.
Finally, we're getting some great suggestions for our still-burgeoning Fresyes Thong Charity Drive. Keep 'em coming to fresyes2003@yahoo.com.
