559 would like to wish a happy New Year to Fresno's lone Jewish family. You know who you are.

1. Separated at Birth: Pat Hill and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Says former Bee-man Adrien Wojnarowski: "He doesn't play that wild WAC football, but the kind of hellacious hitting that they would've loved at Washington, where Hill just took a 2-by-4 upside the Huskies' heads." Heyyyooooo!

2. Separated at Death: Oh dear god. (via Defamer)

3. Attention hipsters: Are you over the cell phone thing yet?

4. Hey Mrs. Bush: You didn't answer her question. A woman whose 24-year-old son died in Iraq disrupted a rally today, wearing a T-shirt saying "President Bush You Killed My Son." The ultra-classy Secret Service then cuffed her and put her in the back of a police van.

5. On a brighter note, Avril Lavigne is purportedly gettin' hitched. And no, the lucky boi isn't a Fresnan.

6. Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan can outdrink Michael Eisner, but 10 years as Alan Thicke's TV daughter has made Tracey Gold a gimlet swilling force to be reckoned with. Still, she can't top Lindsay when it comes to drunken hotel lounge karaoke. She's HUGE in Japan.

Finally, a special hello to our newest fans, the staff at Conde Nast publishing in Los Angeles. We told you guys, Fresyes is NOT for sale, so tell Newhouse to stop pestering us. And Deanna, the reason we never write anything about Merced should be fairly obvious: 209 is hella weak.