1. When I heard that the Governor was making an appearance in Fresno, I thought for sure there was another bingo night planned, but it turns out they were talking about the other Governor. Dang. "... Gov. Schwarzenegger, the keynote speaker, came through the back and was never seen in public."

(Ed. note: We don't like to make fun of our governor that much. Not because we like his politics, but because of that scene in "Pumping Iron" when he's smoking a joint and wearing the shirt that says "ARNOLD ES NUMERO UNO." We should all hope to have that much cool.)

2. In a brilliant display of capitalist fortitude, Russian assult-weaponeers Kalashnakov have expanded their Fall line to meet consumer demand. The designers most famous for their uber-sexy AK-47 have decided that the strength of the Kalashnakov brand is far too valuable to be wasted on weapons alone. Lt. Gen. Mikhail Kalashnikov, who invented the AK-47 after being shot by German soldiers during World War II, said Monday he wanted to continue "the good name" of his gun. "I've always wanted to improve and expand on the good name of my weapon by doing good things," he told Reuters Television. "So we decided to create a vodka under my name. And we wanted that vodka to be better than anything made, up until now, in both Russia and England."

I have no idea what a punchline might be for this story. It's so ridiculous that it's un-punchlineable.

3. Six weeks out from the election and it's poll-itics as usual. Turns out we're not the only ones skeptical about the constant barrage of bullshit poll information. As Newsday columnist Jimmy Breslin points out, "Anybody who believes these national political polls are giving you facts is a gullible fool." His argument? Apparently pollsters have chosen to ignore the 169 million cell phones that exist in this country. Well, the Guv and I conducted a scientific poll of our own after hearing this story and here are the results (margin of error +/- zero):

-Percentage of likely voters polled who use a cell phone: 100%
-Percentage of likely voters polled who use a land line: 0%
-Percentage who had a land line in 2000, but have since replaced it with a cell phone: 100%

4. Although bred for its powers in magic, the liger has been known to use that magic for evil. Learn how to protect yourself.

5. Finally, you've probably already seen this site, but it's so flippin sweet that we thought you'd like to be linked to it ... now. Ninjas vs. Pirates ... discuss.