1. This week, Tiger "used to be #1" Woods married Swedish model Elin Nordegren at a private ceremony in Barbados. Among those in attendance were talkshow maven Oprah Winfrey, retired NBA legends Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan, and...ahem...Hootie.

"The rock group Hootie and the Blowfish performed under a tent at the "19th hole," a garden area of the Green Monkey golf course, witnesses said. Then fireworks lit up the night sky along Barbados' west coast. "

What, was "Huey Lewis and the News" booked already?

2. It's a sad day for smartasses everywhere. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield passed away at the age of 82 of complications from heart surgery.

"A woman asked me, Rodney, do you smoke after sex? I said, I dunno, I never looked.Then she asked me if my wife smoked after sex. I said, I dunno, she never called.."

3. Everyone knows that Atkins is lame...but let it not be said that ridiculous diet fads don't sometimes yield hilarious results. Krispy Kreme was forced to close it's $4.6 million Ravello, Ohio plant due to financial woes resulting from the low-carb diet craze.

4. Well, it's that time again...the Big Fresno Fair has opened! The Fair, or as our former high school history teacher used to call it, the best place to get knifed on a midway, is expected to attract upwards of 500,000 people this year. That's a shitload of the little dog-less dog leashes, silkscreened Oakland Raiders mirrors, and good clean family fun.