1. A friend of a friend of a son of a son of a sailor got some up-close-and-personal time with Britney Spears and husband Kevin Fresnoline over the weekend. His/her report is coming shortly… in the meantime, here's a cruel preview: "She looked chubby." Intriguing. Can a little half-Fresnan be far off? This reporter is mildy curious.

2. Don't kill your wife and unborn child. And don't go hunting for her replacement in Fresno, for god's sake. We don't need you Modesto psychos tainting our hometown.

3. Attention "moral values" voters: You're screwed. Bernie Kerik, New York's much-loved former top cop, was "much-loved by the ladies," as it turns out. He was caught "sharing intelligence with a few too many agencies," if ya know what I mean. Kerik was found "consorting with insurgents," crossing "a few too many borders" and spending too little time "protecting the homeland," if ya get my drift. He was … eh, nevermind. What a chump. I'm going to read his autobiography right now and see if he left hidden love notes for Judith Regan.

4. Sad news: Investigative journalist Gary Webb, best known for his San Jose Mercury News exposé linking the CIA to crack sales inside the U.S., was found shot to death. The coroner has determined the cause was suicide -- this despite two gunshots to the head.

Conspiracy theories aside, I once met Webb. It was right after the flap over his Mercury News series, and a group of us invited him to speak about the story during a college journalism convention that we had hosted. Half the kids there booed and clapped at him until he stopped speaking. We thought those kids were morons.

5. Shameless Fresno promotion: Say hello to tepidity.

6. Shameless self-promotion: At long last, New York has another "The" band. Say hello to The Last. As in "the last time I had my hearing was before this concert." Artwork courtesy Fresno's own demented genius Luke Chueh.