(Ed. Note: The following is the another contribution from prolific Fresyes correspondent "559 por Vida." If you have your own famous Fresno connection, drop us a line at fresyes2003@yahoo.com.)

What?? Huh?? Please speak up, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! Please excuse my rudeness, but on Friday night I had my eardrums melted by the World's Greatest Cover Band of the World's Greatest Real Band. That's right, The Atomic Punks rolled through Santa Barbara and WOW. To quote David Lee Roth reincarnate: "we're going to remind you of what it was like to have sex without condoms and do blow at the same time!" Did I say WOW already? Furthermore -- and most importantly, vis a vis this fantastic website -- The Atomic Punks' guitar player, Russ Parrish, is from FRESNO. I knew he looked familiar from the Hitching Post.

And many thanks to the Ombudsman for breaking the story about VH's semi-triumphant return to the Central Valley. Listen to me people...I'm willing to bet a Caruthers wooden nickel that nobody out there can come up with a better place to see Van Halen than the 'No.

1. I was excited about today's debut of Air America, the new liberal talk-radio network airing in New York, Los Angeles and that other bastion of left-wing thought -- the Inland Empire. But those liberals need to figure out how to work all the buttons. First, the Internet stream had server errors all day, and then I tuned in tonight and heard the news reader coughing into the mike and commenting to a coworker, "Rhandi Rhodes changed a whole bunch of shit on the board." Al Franken, We wanna give you the ratings. We just gotta hear you first.

2. Shocking New York dive-bar news: Filthy McNasty's is gone. Long live the 12" Bar.

3. Fresyes normally doesn't geek out this much, but Google's new email service, Gmail, sounds insane. Includes 1 gig of space and a search function to look for old messages.

4. The Polyphonic Spree were on Fuse TV's "IMX" today. Nothing against the guy from Tripping Daisy, but these guys are on the verge of drinking the Kool-Aid.

5. Hooray! The fledgling Fresno Craigslist now has two more postings, bringing it to a grand total of 13. (Must be all that Fresyes publicity.)

We feel dirty reading the exclusive NY Post excerpts from "Baywatch" cad Michael Bergin's new book on his alleged affair with Carolyn Bessette, "The Other Man: How I Rogered JFK Jr.'s Wife and Scored This Neat Book Deal." But today's salacious installment was the capper, as Bergin details his teary showdown with Bessette after he REFUSED TO GO TO FRESNO with her for a friend's mother's funeral. Get this:

Bergin: "Fresno? … I wish I had known that earlier. I have a round-trip ticket, and I can't change it."
Bessette: "You have to come to Fresno … Give me your ticket. Change it. I'll pay for it."
Bergin: "I can't. I have to get back to L.A. for a guest spot on 'Access Hollywood.'"

Ah, the old "I have to be on 'Access Hollywood'" excuse. At least we now know this: Some view traveling to Fresno as a sin worse than adultery.

The rest of your world today:

1. For all you Drillers out there, Amy Langfield has a great bunch of Bakersfield hrefs, including the NYT's recent travel piece on the town (otherwise known as "Don't Miss the Panama Lane Exit Cuz the Next In-N-Out is in Santa Clarita.") And while you're at it, go rent "Best of Times." It's a classic.

2. Axl Rose, for once, is not responsible for a show cancellation. He blames Buckethead. (Gawker)

3. It's PREENCESSS! Trey Parker and Matt Stone are sick, sick geniuses. Back in the heady dot-com days, we remember writing about Shockwave shelving the premiere of its animated Web series created by the "South Park" guys. Now we know why. Trio is airing a hilarious new documentary on "Princess," the never-before-seen cartoon about a lovable shih-tzu who happens to always be around while disgusting sex acts are taking place.

The episodes are now showing on Trio's site. (Warning: Not even remotely safe for children ... or anyone, really. I couldn't even make it through Episode Two.)

4. PRINCE, meanwhile, has kicked off his Musicology tour. But never challenge him to a game of basketball. "In yo face, Charlie Murphy!" (Chappelle's Show)

5. Britney One-Night Stand? Judging by the accompanying photos (not to mention the history of journalistic integrity demonstrated by Britain's News of the World), we're inclined to believe this asshat's claim that he hooked up with Britney. But let's take a look at this quote:

"Funnily enough, I'd never really fancied Britney Spears before -- but in a situation like this, it was a lot different."

Note to News of the World: If you're gonna fabricate a quote from a California guy, don't insert poofy British colloquialisms.

Forget Red Hook as the next Williamsburg. We now proclaim Fresno to be the burgeoning "Billyburg of the West," what with the announcement of plans for "Broadway Row" -- the new revitalization project for downtown 'No complete with shopping, restaurants and (get this) HOUSING, including lofts. The most fascinating part of the Bee's story was this little nugget:

"The project will place significant amounts of new housing downtown for the first time since the 88-unit Huntington Condominiums were built in 1980 and the 220-unit Santa Fe Villa apartments in 1978 on the opposite side of downtown, where Huntington Boulevard crosses Freeway 41."

Fresnecks have been talking about "downtown revitalization" for as long as we've been alive, but we find it fascinating that no one has managed to convince a developer to build any significant housing downtown since 19-freaking-80. We now hold our breath.

It Still Only Buys You the New York Post: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger today unveiled California's commemorative quarter, and it goes the "nature" route, featuring John Muir (who looks like he's chatting with a bird) and Yosemite's Half Dome.

Personally, I would have preferred these Fark nominees, including "Hotel California" and "Home of the Fat Jerry Lewis."

Mere days after receiving the highest praise from Fresyes, we were pleasantly surprised to see "Daily Show" correspondent Ed Helms take the stage Saturday night at Moonwork, the most underrated comedy show in New York -- if not for its top-notch comics, then its all-you-can-drink Sam Adams. (Feel free to discuss whether our sobriety level affects our decision to label them "top-notch." We are easily amused drunks.)

Despite his serious journalistic credentials, Ed Helms is not the slightest bit political in his off-camera act. He spent the entire 15-minute set discussing the greatness of Yanni, reading through the liner notes of the "Ultimate Yanni" album and having the DJ skip track-by-track through the disc. It sounds annoying, but it was hilarious. Also that night, Demetri Martin cracked us up with a story about biting the dust while skateboarding on the Brooklyn Bridge (here's some related video), and Tom Shillue (who's normally our favorite) had only a mildly amusing story about rats invading his house.

In other news: Go spend your rock dollars at The Hook, a great new venue in the most unfortunate location on earth -- deep in the shipyards of Red Hook (aka the next Williamsburg), far away from civilization or a subway stop. We played with some pretty f-ing cool out-of-towners: The Business Machines out of L.A. and Transparent out of Providence (accents and all).

While New York mag named The Hook best new rock club, what got me was how utterly nice and accommodating the owner, soundguy and employees were to the bands. A real anomaly in NYC.

Also, here's a FRESNOTES UPDATE: We now learn that Adrienne Robillard has outed herself as the Fresnan in San Francisco's Citizens Here and Abroad. And according to their message board, she once worked at the Taco Bell on First and Nees. (She apparently went to my high school, but my friends and I preferred the Taco Bell on Cedar and Shaw.)

1. Sammy Hagar is back, baby. And it's not a Van Halen tour without stops in New Jersey AND Fresno. (I'll be at Continental Airlines Arena gripping a bottle of Cabo Wabo. Meantime, somebody's gotta fill up that brand-new Save Mart Center. Lord knows the basketball teams couldn't do it this season.)

Useless fact: Portions of Van Halen's "Right Here, Right Now" live album were recorded at Selland Arena.
Nominee for worst song lyric: "Only time will tell if we stand the test of time."

2. Some newer music you might enjoy, this time from New York: The Secret Machines. They play Bowery in April. I do hope to be there, considering I apparently have jumped on the Muse bandwagon a bit too late. I'm picking up both albums this weekend.

3. If they don't buy "It's not a pick! It's a scratch!" just tell them nose-picking is tasty and healthy.

4. My favorite Bush slogan: Steady Horsemen for the Apocalypse

5. "No mansion for me, I say f**k it." A sweet lesson in balancing career and family, courtesy Trashman on "Chappelle's Show." (Click on the "Kneehigh Park" clip.)

6. A very special person (who will go unnamed) has permanently lodged the Hooters restaurant radio jingle in my brain. I hope she knows that creepy shit goes on at those establishments.

Endquote: A 1999 interview with the great Fresno poet Philip Levine. Just for the hell of it. I once saw him speak in college and he officially pronounced that no person can make fun of Fresno until they live there first. (See below.)

Editor's Note: This is a beautiful rant sent to me by "559 por Vida," who bashed this out in an email after several vodka tonics and shots of sake this week in NY. I decided to post it as weekend reading.

Fresno is...?
Fresno was.

That's the primo numero unum point for me. Fresno is a then. A remember when. More of an experience than an actual place ... kinda like Disneyland. A dusty, depressing disneyland made up of poor farm workers, middle class teachers, and the uber wealthy GENERAL CONTRACTOR who recently moved from south of Shaw to Clovis. Not only to Clovis, but the part of Clovis where every OTHER house is exactly alike. Like the geniuses in the Bonadelli group really think that people won't actually ever meet their next door neighbors' next door neighbor.

One may think that I dislike the place, and you're right. 1.6% correct. Because in the last few years I've realized that I only spend 6 days a year in Fresno (not counting grocery stops en route to Huntington Lake). But in all honesty, this is the real quagmire that those who have left the valley live with on a daily basis....how can a place be so comforting to think about, so nostalgic, so attractive even...until you get there, when, within 5 minutes one is reminded of the exact reason(s) that one fled to begin with.

It's clear to me that the reason that we remember the valley so fondly is because of experiences … to wit … cold Budweiser on 80-degree nights in July, that first day of spring when the grey fart-cloud enveloping the valley finally dissipates, the Tower District, the Fig Gig, Christmas Tree lane. I don't hate the valley, I love the valley, I just can't go there for more than 6 days a year, save for grocery trips en route to Huntington Lake.

Met up with a fellow Fresnan (by way of Sweden) last night at the SoHo Grand, and we also hit a taping of "The Daily Show" with my favorite truthmonger, Jon Stewart. The guest was Tom Hanks (not too shabby for basic cable), and the news segment featured correspondent Ed Helms, whose "Queer and Present Danger" report on victims of gay marriage has now launched him into the Fake News Hall of Fame with Stephen Colbert and Steve "Produce Pete" Carell.

Initial impressions: The studio itself is deep west (10th Avenue), in what looks like an industrial area, and the "Daily Show" set is about as big as it looks on TV (unlike Letterman). Oh, and Jon Stewart also has giddy teenage-girl fans who write song lyrics about him.

As for the Fresnan who hooked up the tickets, "559 por Vida" (as we'll call him) has just signed on to become a Fresyes correspondent. His opening essay (written during a drunken moment of clarity) will be posted shortly.

A few other tidbits:

1. I ain't lyin'. This shit was tasty.

2. This shit is rocking. Muse sounds kinda like if Jeff Buckley joined a metal/arena rock band, but that description's not really doing it justice.

3. My coworker sent me this link, and we spent a good half-hour deciding whether this is a real Web site. But once I saw the track listing for Who Let the Praise Out?" and the order form for "abstinence boxers," I made up my mind.

4. This is just like someone clicking the "Out of the Office Button" for you, only more permanent. It's morbid, but I've always wondered whether my surviving family will use my hotmail address book to send a mass email about me when I die. The idea is still not as ingenious as hiring people to secretly dispose of your porn collection after you kick.

5. More on mind-erasing services from Lacuna Inc.

Just got back from sunny Florida, where the beer bongs were flowing like mullets. Believe it or not, the flight down there was delayed a mere two hours, which must a new record for La Garbage Airport. Flight back: The most insane security checkpoint line I've ever witnessed in Jamlando. But I ain't complainin'.

Even better news: I come home to finally write my angry letter to American Airlines, and they beat me to the punch. After delaying my flight for 15 HOURS three weeks ago, the airline sent me a pre-emptive letter apologizing and giving me 20,000 frequent flier miles. Isn't that sweet. Cheap asses.

I wrote all that so I could say this: Friendster acquaintance FRESNO has sent out an alert for a show going down March 27 at Tokyo Garden featuring Citizens Here and Abroad, a fairly kick-ass band out of SF (think Pixies-type goodness) that features an ex-Fresnan in the group (not sure which one) and a 1970s keyboard straight outta the Fresno Unified School District. Good stuff.

... So that must mean I have a flight out of La Guardia. Just like frickin clockwork, man.

Fresyes will be on a brief (hopefully sunny) vacation, returning next week. Until then, enjoy these tidbits:

1. Must-peck TV: Inhumane, yes, but televised cockfights do exist. (Raefried Beans)

2. Behold: A freakish device known as the war guitar. (Behold the Arctopus)

3. Which is worse: The White House that created the fake news reports, or the lazy-ass TV stations that decided to air them? (A pissed-off NYT)

4. VH1 is annoying the hell out me by dropping those "I Love the '80s" talking heads in the middle of its weekly Top 20 Countdown -- like I want stylist Phillip Bloch and his damn red beret interrupting the Evanescence video. (Okay, bad example.) But the network will never look as bad as E! and its cheaply produced ripoff, "How 'Bout Those Wacky '90s," or whatever.

5. Someone in our apartment is stoked this week. (Slatch)

6. "England," and other curse words of the stars. (Channel 4)

7. Billy Bob: "What do I look like, a freakin' idiot?" (AP)

8. Director Mark Osborne's beautiful 1999 Oscar-nominated short "More." First saw it as the video for Kenna's original version of "Hell Bent." (Trio network)

Can Fresno State have at least one sport that's not getting into trouble? While the basketball team still retains top criminal honors, it turns out FSU's women's equestrian team injected their horses with tranquilizers before competitions, and one student died after being trampled. Now, the parents of Shana Eriksson are suing the school for $10 million, claiming the program (which was created to help the university comply with Title IX … hey, it was either that or women's rowing) had inadequate supervision.

On the upside: they weren't carrying samurai swords.

Speaking of horse tranquilizers, Whitney's finally in rehab. And Serena Williams must be on drugs if she's dating director Brett Ratner.

Because homeboy needs to move out of that tiny-ass apartment.

The Fresyes editorial board has consciously decided to avoid getting too deep into the horrendously sad details of this family murder story, but the latest appears to be that the victims were shot and there's a chance Marcus Wesson got some help. That's all we're going to say about it, and our prayers are with the community.

Moving on…

We'd now like to make a completely inappropriate transition to something petty that has been bothering us for several weeks now -- that being the Fresno Bee's piss-poor excuse for a Web redesign. Now, I'm not saying that Fresyes is much better (note the hastily redesigned logo), but c'mon people. That page is a mess… complete with an awkward flash news ticker, a poorly photoshopped skyline with Fresno Grizzlies stadium and a menu bar that damn near has a mind of its own.

The only site that appears to suck more is Fresno's KMJ-580 site, which virtually ignores the murder story and leads with Martha Stewart and The Passion box-office numbers.

Meanwhile, all you Repubs who had your panties in a twist over John Kerry's comments about "foreign leaders" supporting him, you can relax: A Boston Globe reporter has admitted that he screwed up the quote. Turns out Kerry said "more leaders." Whoops. (Besides, we already know foreign leaders support Kerry. The ones who support Bush get voted out of office.)

Feel free to join the heated debate.

This whole "Fresno-as-the-No. 6-rockingest-city" business got me thinking: What has the 'No contributed to the world of music? Herewith, a quickie list of the Top... uhhh, 7 artists who hail from Fresno (or somewhere fairly close):

7. Fugi: It took me an hour to track down his name, but this L.A.-born rapper came up with one of the most memorable Fresno lyrics of all time ("the cold blooded city that they call the 'No") when his hit, "Sity of Fresno," was on heavy rotation on The Box. And how pimp is that gangsta spelling of "sity"? Other notable tracks from this legend: "I.B. leev N.U." and "Much Rather B."

6. Timmy T: Started out by selling his music out of the back of a car. Cheesy synth with weepy vocals made him a chart-topper with "Time After Time" and "One More Try."

5. The Neanderthals: Six words for you: "I Like Legos (Lincoln Logs Suck)."

4. Cher: She spent some of her formative years in Fresno. How do I know this? Her cousin was our high school principal.

3. Earlimart: One might argue that these guys are technically an L.A. band. But Aaron Espinoza went to Hoover High, and you can't shake yer redneck past when you name your band after one of its towns.

2. Let's Go Bowling: Pioneers in the '80s ska scene. They rocked balls.

1. Steve Perry: Born in Hanford. Raised in Lemoore. Pipes from Heaven.

I shouldn't be surprised that a gruesome polygamist family massacre occurred in my hometown, but it's just further proof that Fresno is no longer a place where everyone knows their neighbors. As if a pile of dead children's bodies and a possible satanic-cult connection wasn't sick enough, we now find out that Marcus Wesson (described by the NY Post as a "wild-haired weirdo") fathered children with his own daughters -- making him both a grandfather AND father to some of the victims. Wesson's lone surviving child, Dorian, told Fox News, "My sisters and brothers are the products of my sisters -- through artificial insemination." Well, that makes it all better then, right?

After a two-hour standoff, Wesson surrendered to police, who then found a crime scene disturbing enough that several officers have already taken paid leave. A choked-up police Chief Jerry Dyer said "If this does not qualify for the death sentence, then there is no case that would."

This wasn't how I planned to ring in the relaunch of Fresyes.com, but what are ya gonna do. I actually planned to post two other items that symbolized the continued evolution of the 'No from cow-tipping epicenter to big-time California city:

1. I realize this happened a long time ago, but Fresno now has its own craigslist page. Okay, so there are less than a dozen posts on the whole site. But it's a start. (For instance, where else can you find a personal for a "married, unhappy and lonely" 45-year-old who says of his current wife: "We do have a child together, but that's all we have. No emotions and no feelings for each other." In case you're interested, he's "looking for a lady friend for companionship, maybe more.") Give it five more years, and maybe there will be some Missed Connections from City College kids who caught glances on the River Park monorail. Or better yet, maybe hoards of kids will use the Musicians section after moving to Fresno to establish the "next big scene," because…

2. Esquire magazine is either hopped up on methamphetamine or truly knows something I didn't: Fresno is No. 6 on the magazine's list of Top 10 "Cities that Rock." (No. 1 was the equally baffling Pittsburgh.) According to the press release, Fresno's music scene is home to such "hot" acts as "Mynis, 40 Watt Hype and Kat Jones." Never mind that there are about two venues in the whole city. I haven't seen the actual magazine, so someone please tell me if there's any sign of Earlimart -- Fresnans by way of Los Angeles who have made the biggest splash of any Valley-ites in quite some time. (The utterly useless Bee version of the story is here.)