... So that must mean I have a flight out of La Guardia. Just like frickin clockwork, man.

Fresyes will be on a brief (hopefully sunny) vacation, returning next week. Until then, enjoy these tidbits:

1. Must-peck TV: Inhumane, yes, but televised cockfights do exist. (Raefried Beans)

2. Behold: A freakish device known as the war guitar. (Behold the Arctopus)

3. Which is worse: The White House that created the fake news reports, or the lazy-ass TV stations that decided to air them? (A pissed-off NYT)

4. VH1 is annoying the hell out me by dropping those "I Love the '80s" talking heads in the middle of its weekly Top 20 Countdown -- like I want stylist Phillip Bloch and his damn red beret interrupting the Evanescence video. (Okay, bad example.) But the network will never look as bad as E! and its cheaply produced ripoff, "How 'Bout Those Wacky '90s," or whatever.

5. Someone in our apartment is stoked this week. (Slatch)

6. "England," and other curse words of the stars. (Channel 4)

7. Billy Bob: "What do I look like, a freakin' idiot?" (AP)

8. Director Mark Osborne's beautiful 1999 Oscar-nominated short "More." First saw it as the video for Kenna's original version of "Hell Bent." (Trio network)

Can Fresno State have at least one sport that's not getting into trouble? While the basketball team still retains top criminal honors, it turns out FSU's women's equestrian team injected their horses with tranquilizers before competitions, and one student died after being trampled. Now, the parents of Shana Eriksson are suing the school for $10 million, claiming the program (which was created to help the university comply with Title IX … hey, it was either that or women's rowing) had inadequate supervision.

On the upside: they weren't carrying samurai swords.

Speaking of horse tranquilizers, Whitney's finally in rehab. And Serena Williams must be on drugs if she's dating director Brett Ratner.

Because homeboy needs to move out of that tiny-ass apartment.

The Fresyes editorial board has consciously decided to avoid getting too deep into the horrendously sad details of this family murder story, but the latest appears to be that the victims were shot and there's a chance Marcus Wesson got some help. That's all we're going to say about it, and our prayers are with the community.

Moving on…

We'd now like to make a completely inappropriate transition to something petty that has been bothering us for several weeks now -- that being the Fresno Bee's piss-poor excuse for a Web redesign. Now, I'm not saying that Fresyes is much better (note the hastily redesigned logo), but c'mon people. That page is a mess… complete with an awkward flash news ticker, a poorly photoshopped skyline with Fresno Grizzlies stadium and a menu bar that damn near has a mind of its own.

The only site that appears to suck more is Fresno's KMJ-580 site, which virtually ignores the murder story and leads with Martha Stewart and The Passion box-office numbers.

Meanwhile, all you Repubs who had your panties in a twist over John Kerry's comments about "foreign leaders" supporting him, you can relax: A Boston Globe reporter has admitted that he screwed up the quote. Turns out Kerry said "more leaders." Whoops. (Besides, we already know foreign leaders support Kerry. The ones who support Bush get voted out of office.)

Feel free to join the heated debate.

This whole "Fresno-as-the-No. 6-rockingest-city" business got me thinking: What has the 'No contributed to the world of music? Herewith, a quickie list of the Top... uhhh, 7 artists who hail from Fresno (or somewhere fairly close):

7. Fugi: It took me an hour to track down his name, but this L.A.-born rapper came up with one of the most memorable Fresno lyrics of all time ("the cold blooded city that they call the 'No") when his hit, "Sity of Fresno," was on heavy rotation on The Box. And how pimp is that gangsta spelling of "sity"? Other notable tracks from this legend: "I.B. leev N.U." and "Much Rather B."

6. Timmy T: Started out by selling his music out of the back of a car. Cheesy synth with weepy vocals made him a chart-topper with "Time After Time" and "One More Try."

5. The Neanderthals: Six words for you: "I Like Legos (Lincoln Logs Suck)."

4. Cher: She spent some of her formative years in Fresno. How do I know this? Her cousin was our high school principal.

3. Earlimart: One might argue that these guys are technically an L.A. band. But Aaron Espinoza went to Hoover High, and you can't shake yer redneck past when you name your band after one of its towns.

2. Let's Go Bowling: Pioneers in the '80s ska scene. They rocked balls.

1. Steve Perry: Born in Hanford. Raised in Lemoore. Pipes from Heaven.

I shouldn't be surprised that a gruesome polygamist family massacre occurred in my hometown, but it's just further proof that Fresno is no longer a place where everyone knows their neighbors. As if a pile of dead children's bodies and a possible satanic-cult connection wasn't sick enough, we now find out that Marcus Wesson (described by the NY Post as a "wild-haired weirdo") fathered children with his own daughters -- making him both a grandfather AND father to some of the victims. Wesson's lone surviving child, Dorian, told Fox News, "My sisters and brothers are the products of my sisters -- through artificial insemination." Well, that makes it all better then, right?

After a two-hour standoff, Wesson surrendered to police, who then found a crime scene disturbing enough that several officers have already taken paid leave. A choked-up police Chief Jerry Dyer said "If this does not qualify for the death sentence, then there is no case that would."

This wasn't how I planned to ring in the relaunch of Fresyes.com, but what are ya gonna do. I actually planned to post two other items that symbolized the continued evolution of the 'No from cow-tipping epicenter to big-time California city:

1. I realize this happened a long time ago, but Fresno now has its own craigslist page. Okay, so there are less than a dozen posts on the whole site. But it's a start. (For instance, where else can you find a personal for a "married, unhappy and lonely" 45-year-old who says of his current wife: "We do have a child together, but that's all we have. No emotions and no feelings for each other." In case you're interested, he's "looking for a lady friend for companionship, maybe more.") Give it five more years, and maybe there will be some Missed Connections from City College kids who caught glances on the River Park monorail. Or better yet, maybe hoards of kids will use the Musicians section after moving to Fresno to establish the "next big scene," because…

2. Esquire magazine is either hopped up on methamphetamine or truly knows something I didn't: Fresno is No. 6 on the magazine's list of Top 10 "Cities that Rock." (No. 1 was the equally baffling Pittsburgh.) According to the press release, Fresno's music scene is home to such "hot" acts as "Mynis, 40 Watt Hype and Kat Jones." Never mind that there are about two venues in the whole city. I haven't seen the actual magazine, so someone please tell me if there's any sign of Earlimart -- Fresnans by way of Los Angeles who have made the biggest splash of any Valley-ites in quite some time. (The utterly useless Bee version of the story is here.)