1. Sammy Hagar is back, baby. And it's not a Van Halen tour without stops in New Jersey AND Fresno. (I'll be at Continental Airlines Arena gripping a bottle of Cabo Wabo. Meantime, somebody's gotta fill up that brand-new Save Mart Center. Lord knows the basketball teams couldn't do it this season.)

Useless fact: Portions of Van Halen's "Right Here, Right Now" live album were recorded at Selland Arena.
Nominee for worst song lyric: "Only time will tell if we stand the test of time."

2. Some newer music you might enjoy, this time from New York: The Secret Machines. They play Bowery in April. I do hope to be there, considering I apparently have jumped on the Muse bandwagon a bit too late. I'm picking up both albums this weekend.

3. If they don't buy "It's not a pick! It's a scratch!" just tell them nose-picking is tasty and healthy.

4. My favorite Bush slogan: Steady Horsemen for the Apocalypse

5. "No mansion for me, I say f**k it." A sweet lesson in balancing career and family, courtesy Trashman on "Chappelle's Show." (Click on the "Kneehigh Park" clip.)

6. A very special person (who will go unnamed) has permanently lodged the Hooters restaurant radio jingle in my brain. I hope she knows that creepy shit goes on at those establishments.

Endquote: A 1999 interview with the great Fresno poet Philip Levine. Just for the hell of it. I once saw him speak in college and he officially pronounced that no person can make fun of Fresno until they live there first. (See below.)

Editor's Note: This is a beautiful rant sent to me by "559 por Vida," who bashed this out in an email after several vodka tonics and shots of sake this week in NY. I decided to post it as weekend reading.

Fresno is...?
Fresno was.

That's the primo numero unum point for me. Fresno is a then. A remember when. More of an experience than an actual place ... kinda like Disneyland. A dusty, depressing disneyland made up of poor farm workers, middle class teachers, and the uber wealthy GENERAL CONTRACTOR who recently moved from south of Shaw to Clovis. Not only to Clovis, but the part of Clovis where every OTHER house is exactly alike. Like the geniuses in the Bonadelli group really think that people won't actually ever meet their next door neighbors' next door neighbor.

One may think that I dislike the place, and you're right. 1.6% correct. Because in the last few years I've realized that I only spend 6 days a year in Fresno (not counting grocery stops en route to Huntington Lake). But in all honesty, this is the real quagmire that those who have left the valley live with on a daily basis....how can a place be so comforting to think about, so nostalgic, so attractive even...until you get there, when, within 5 minutes one is reminded of the exact reason(s) that one fled to begin with.

It's clear to me that the reason that we remember the valley so fondly is because of experiences … to wit … cold Budweiser on 80-degree nights in July, that first day of spring when the grey fart-cloud enveloping the valley finally dissipates, the Tower District, the Fig Gig, Christmas Tree lane. I don't hate the valley, I love the valley, I just can't go there for more than 6 days a year, save for grocery trips en route to Huntington Lake.

Met up with a fellow Fresnan (by way of Sweden) last night at the SoHo Grand, and we also hit a taping of "The Daily Show" with my favorite truthmonger, Jon Stewart. The guest was Tom Hanks (not too shabby for basic cable), and the news segment featured correspondent Ed Helms, whose "Queer and Present Danger" report on victims of gay marriage has now launched him into the Fake News Hall of Fame with Stephen Colbert and Steve "Produce Pete" Carell.

Initial impressions: The studio itself is deep west (10th Avenue), in what looks like an industrial area, and the "Daily Show" set is about as big as it looks on TV (unlike Letterman). Oh, and Jon Stewart also has giddy teenage-girl fans who write song lyrics about him.

As for the Fresnan who hooked up the tickets, "559 por Vida" (as we'll call him) has just signed on to become a Fresyes correspondent. His opening essay (written during a drunken moment of clarity) will be posted shortly.

A few other tidbits:

1. I ain't lyin'. This shit was tasty.

2. This shit is rocking. Muse sounds kinda like if Jeff Buckley joined a metal/arena rock band, but that description's not really doing it justice.

3. My coworker sent me this link, and we spent a good half-hour deciding whether this is a real Web site. But once I saw the track listing for Who Let the Praise Out?" and the order form for "abstinence boxers," I made up my mind.

4. This is just like someone clicking the "Out of the Office Button" for you, only more permanent. It's morbid, but I've always wondered whether my surviving family will use my hotmail address book to send a mass email about me when I die. The idea is still not as ingenious as hiring people to secretly dispose of your porn collection after you kick.

5. More on mind-erasing services from Lacuna Inc.

Just got back from sunny Florida, where the beer bongs were flowing like mullets. Believe it or not, the flight down there was delayed a mere two hours, which must a new record for La Garbage Airport. Flight back: The most insane security checkpoint line I've ever witnessed in Jamlando. But I ain't complainin'.

Even better news: I come home to finally write my angry letter to American Airlines, and they beat me to the punch. After delaying my flight for 15 HOURS three weeks ago, the airline sent me a pre-emptive letter apologizing and giving me 20,000 frequent flier miles. Isn't that sweet. Cheap asses.

I wrote all that so I could say this: Friendster acquaintance FRESNO has sent out an alert for a show going down March 27 at Tokyo Garden featuring Citizens Here and Abroad, a fairly kick-ass band out of SF (think Pixies-type goodness) that features an ex-Fresnan in the group (not sure which one) and a 1970s keyboard straight outta the Fresno Unified School District. Good stuff.