Okay, here it goes: We're giving away an official Fresyes Unironic Trucker Hat to the first person who can successfully advise me on how to fix this Web site so it doesn't look weird on Internet Explorer for PC.

If you're over trucker hats, I'll give you a nice coffee mug instead.

Actress-writer-blogger and new Fresyes permalink Audra brings us a brilliant idea courtesy her former boyfriend. (Exes are good for something, apparently.) He participated in a "blind" wine tasting that featured everything from "expensive yuppie stuff" to Fresno State's very own jesus juice. Turns out the ol' Tailgate Red was the biggest crowd pleaser. "Yuppies were aghast!" she writes. "Investment bankers were passing out left and right."

So he came up with a new name for FSU wine to fool the snobs. Behold, Chateau Chien Taureau. Sugggit, Napa Valley.

For more from Audra, check out some "Fresno Noir."

Read it and weep:

1. The Walkmen kicked ass with "The Rat" on Letterman this week. But dammit if Hamilton Leithauser doesn't look just like Ed Vedder ... clenched jaw, psycho-white-guy stare, sensible haircut.

2. Stare at this photo without reading the text. See if you recognize her in the slightest. And no, it's NOT Celine Dion. (lindsayism)

3. Listen to Nickelback's songs simultaneously ... one in the left speaker, one in the right. Laugh very hard.

Sure, there are cynics who claim these Canadian rockers have recorded the SAME song, but I prefer to think they have embarked on a surreal, psychedelic experiment to layer their entire catalogue into one easily digestible piece. When seven albums are complete, fans will be blessed with an orchestral melange of gravelly goatee'd howling.

4. In the latest Entertainment Weekly, oh-so-clever "Shaw Report" writer Jessica Shaw declares bushy beards "IN." This is presumably due to the release of Iron & Wine's new disc, "Our Endless Numbered Days." I don't own this yet, but they're great live.

5. First "Old School," then "Starsky & Hutch." Here's hoping these guys show up in every future Todd Phillips movie.

6. The not-quite-reliable-but-who-cares Popbitch claims that Christina Aguilera is a very disruptive hotel guest, if ya know what I mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. … Okay, it's sex. Really loud sex. (Luxury Fashion)

7. Johnny Marr replaces Buckethead in Guns N' Roses. Schweeeet!

(Ed. Note: The following is the another contribution from prolific Fresyes correspondent "559 por Vida." If you have your own famous Fresno connection, drop us a line at fresyes2003@yahoo.com.)

What?? Huh?? Please speak up, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! Please excuse my rudeness, but on Friday night I had my eardrums melted by the World's Greatest Cover Band of the World's Greatest Real Band. That's right, The Atomic Punks rolled through Santa Barbara and WOW. To quote David Lee Roth reincarnate: "we're going to remind you of what it was like to have sex without condoms and do blow at the same time!" Did I say WOW already? Furthermore -- and most importantly, vis a vis this fantastic website -- The Atomic Punks' guitar player, Russ Parrish, is from FRESNO. I knew he looked familiar from the Hitching Post.

And many thanks to the Ombudsman for breaking the story about VH's semi-triumphant return to the Central Valley. Listen to me people...I'm willing to bet a Caruthers wooden nickel that nobody out there can come up with a better place to see Van Halen than the 'No.

1. I was excited about today's debut of Air America, the new liberal talk-radio network airing in New York, Los Angeles and that other bastion of left-wing thought -- the Inland Empire. But those liberals need to figure out how to work all the buttons. First, the Internet stream had server errors all day, and then I tuned in tonight and heard the news reader coughing into the mike and commenting to a coworker, "Rhandi Rhodes changed a whole bunch of shit on the board." Al Franken, We wanna give you the ratings. We just gotta hear you first.

2. Shocking New York dive-bar news: Filthy McNasty's is gone. Long live the 12" Bar.

3. Fresyes normally doesn't geek out this much, but Google's new email service, Gmail, sounds insane. Includes 1 gig of space and a search function to look for old messages.

4. The Polyphonic Spree were on Fuse TV's "IMX" today. Nothing against the guy from Tripping Daisy, but these guys are on the verge of drinking the Kool-Aid.

5. Hooray! The fledgling Fresno Craigslist now has two more postings, bringing it to a grand total of 13. (Must be all that Fresyes publicity.)

We feel dirty reading the exclusive NY Post excerpts from "Baywatch" cad Michael Bergin's new book on his alleged affair with Carolyn Bessette, "The Other Man: How I Rogered JFK Jr.'s Wife and Scored This Neat Book Deal." But today's salacious installment was the capper, as Bergin details his teary showdown with Bessette after he REFUSED TO GO TO FRESNO with her for a friend's mother's funeral. Get this:

Bergin: "Fresno? … I wish I had known that earlier. I have a round-trip ticket, and I can't change it."
Bessette: "You have to come to Fresno … Give me your ticket. Change it. I'll pay for it."
Bergin: "I can't. I have to get back to L.A. for a guest spot on 'Access Hollywood.'"

Ah, the old "I have to be on 'Access Hollywood'" excuse. At least we now know this: Some view traveling to Fresno as a sin worse than adultery.

The rest of your world today:

1. For all you Drillers out there, Amy Langfield has a great bunch of Bakersfield hrefs, including the NYT's recent travel piece on the town (otherwise known as "Don't Miss the Panama Lane Exit Cuz the Next In-N-Out is in Santa Clarita.") And while you're at it, go rent "Best of Times." It's a classic.

2. Axl Rose, for once, is not responsible for a show cancellation. He blames Buckethead. (Gawker)

3. It's PREENCESSS! Trey Parker and Matt Stone are sick, sick geniuses. Back in the heady dot-com days, we remember writing about Shockwave shelving the premiere of its animated Web series created by the "South Park" guys. Now we know why. Trio is airing a hilarious new documentary on "Princess," the never-before-seen cartoon about a lovable shih-tzu who happens to always be around while disgusting sex acts are taking place.

The episodes are now showing on Trio's site. (Warning: Not even remotely safe for children ... or anyone, really. I couldn't even make it through Episode Two.)

4. PRINCE, meanwhile, has kicked off his Musicology tour. But never challenge him to a game of basketball. "In yo face, Charlie Murphy!" (Chappelle's Show)

5. Britney One-Night Stand? Judging by the accompanying photos (not to mention the history of journalistic integrity demonstrated by Britain's News of the World), we're inclined to believe this asshat's claim that he hooked up with Britney. But let's take a look at this quote:

"Funnily enough, I'd never really fancied Britney Spears before -- but in a situation like this, it was a lot different."

Note to News of the World: If you're gonna fabricate a quote from a California guy, don't insert poofy British colloquialisms.

Forget Red Hook as the next Williamsburg. We now proclaim Fresno to be the burgeoning "Billyburg of the West," what with the announcement of plans for "Broadway Row" -- the new revitalization project for downtown 'No complete with shopping, restaurants and (get this) HOUSING, including lofts. The most fascinating part of the Bee's story was this little nugget:

"The project will place significant amounts of new housing downtown for the first time since the 88-unit Huntington Condominiums were built in 1980 and the 220-unit Santa Fe Villa apartments in 1978 on the opposite side of downtown, where Huntington Boulevard crosses Freeway 41."

Fresnecks have been talking about "downtown revitalization" for as long as we've been alive, but we find it fascinating that no one has managed to convince a developer to build any significant housing downtown since 19-freaking-80. We now hold our breath.

It Still Only Buys You the New York Post: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger today unveiled California's commemorative quarter, and it goes the "nature" route, featuring John Muir (who looks like he's chatting with a bird) and Yosemite's Half Dome.

Personally, I would have preferred these Fark nominees, including "Hotel California" and "Home of the Fat Jerry Lewis."

Mere days after receiving the highest praise from Fresyes, we were pleasantly surprised to see "Daily Show" correspondent Ed Helms take the stage Saturday night at Moonwork, the most underrated comedy show in New York -- if not for its top-notch comics, then its all-you-can-drink Sam Adams. (Feel free to discuss whether our sobriety level affects our decision to label them "top-notch." We are easily amused drunks.)

Despite his serious journalistic credentials, Ed Helms is not the slightest bit political in his off-camera act. He spent the entire 15-minute set discussing the greatness of Yanni, reading through the liner notes of the "Ultimate Yanni" album and having the DJ skip track-by-track through the disc. It sounds annoying, but it was hilarious. Also that night, Demetri Martin cracked us up with a story about biting the dust while skateboarding on the Brooklyn Bridge (here's some related video), and Tom Shillue (who's normally our favorite) had only a mildly amusing story about rats invading his house.

In other news: Go spend your rock dollars at The Hook, a great new venue in the most unfortunate location on earth -- deep in the shipyards of Red Hook (aka the next Williamsburg), far away from civilization or a subway stop. We played with some pretty f-ing cool out-of-towners: The Business Machines out of L.A. and Transparent out of Providence (accents and all).

While New York mag named The Hook best new rock club, what got me was how utterly nice and accommodating the owner, soundguy and employees were to the bands. A real anomaly in NYC.

Also, here's a FRESNOTES UPDATE: We now learn that Adrienne Robillard has outed herself as the Fresnan in San Francisco's Citizens Here and Abroad. And according to their message board, she once worked at the Taco Bell on First and Nees. (She apparently went to my high school, but my friends and I preferred the Taco Bell on Cedar and Shaw.)