We must have been too busy searching for our name in The New Yorker's article about bloggers with book deals, because Amy Langfield tells us that Fresno made this week's Talk of the Town.

Specifically, New York is getting "screwed" out of anti-terrorism funding, while "'high-threat municipalities' such as Fresno, Baton Rouge and Columbus, Ohio" are getting a decent crack at federal money.

We're not going to be so bold as to deny that Fresno Yosemite International Airport is No. 1 on al-Qaida's summer hit list. But New York is certainly getting the shaft: The state is 49th out of 50 states in per-capita spending (Wyoming receives $38.31 per person, New York gets $5.47). Meanwhile, "when the Martha's Vineyard Steamship Authority received nearly a million dollars to upgrade port security, the harbormaster in the town of Oak Bluffs told the Vineyard Gazette, 'Quite honestly, I don't know what we're going to do, but you don't turn down grant money.' "

Elsewhere:

1. Still more proof that Demetri Martin is one of the funniest stand-up dudes in New York. Slate features his diary about writing for "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." Quote of the day: "It's funny how sometimes when you're being a douche bag, you're aware of it while you're doing it. And still, you can't help it."

2. Speaking of proof, maybe trading a McDonald's addiction for a Chipotle addiction isn't such a grand idea, after all. Herewith, a calorie calculator for a Chipotle burrito. Screw it: I'll take that heart attack with a side of guacamole, please.

Fresyes presents the Top 7 things that currently scare the hell out of us:

7. Clowns, especially those named "Spanky."
6. Little talking dolls possessed by the devil
5. Low-level employees who get so drunk they defecate on themselves at company parties.
4. Getting too close to the 6 Train at the Union Square station (permanent ranking).
3. Hand-to-hand combat involving cable network executives. (Editor Note: Only funny to former coworkers of The Governor.)
2. The Venga Boys' "We Like to Party" (see No. 1)
1. That damned dancing old man from the Six Flags commercials.

(Regarding No. 1: This is old news, but contrary to the amusement park's press releases about a "pop-culture phenomenon," I DON'T CARE if he's actually an old man, or just a young guy with prosthetic jowls. Just make him go away. He's been haunting my every nightmare for several months now.)

In other news, some of our favorite blogs are either collapsing from technical difficulties, or are being overexposed by the New York Times.

Nick Hornby sees the future of rock 'n' roll, and it doesn't have enough youthful zest. Two days later, readers tell the geezer to get over it.

We've yet to read Hornby's "Songbook," but we did recently take our own trip down "Embarrassing Musical Taste" Lane while importing most of our CDs onto an iPod. All the old albums were dusted off and received a fresh listen: For instance, we nearly forgot we once were rabid fans of both Midnight Oil and Belly. Oh hell yes. We just said that out loud.

Meanwhile, to further stomp on any musical credibility we once had, the latest Entertainment Weekly has a story actually worth reading: the strange history of the Beach Boys' "Kokomo." Aside from its haunting link to John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos, turns out the tune was written by "Papa John" Phillips, Scott McKenzie and Terry Melcher -- and we're just amazed so many music legends could come together to carefully construct a piece of crap. (If by "crap" we mean "brilliant pop confection," then yes.)

On a related note, residents of Kokomo, Ind., say a low-frequency hum that has bothered people for years has nearly been eliminated. Townsfolk say the hum sounded a bit like 48 separate vocal layers from Al Jardine, Mike Love and Carl Wilson.

There's nothing like consuming a jumbo popcorn and Coke while watching "Super Size Me," the hilarious, thought-provoking and (for a McDonald's "heavy user") kind of scary new documentary by Morgan Spurlock, who ate only Mickey D's for 30 days … and ended up with serious liver damage. If you read "Fast Food Nation" (I initially did not, for fear of ruining my love affair with the Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit) the mysterious origin of the Chicken McNugget might not surprise you. But Spurlock's binge leaves you feeling pretty damn greasy after seeing all those fat-asses binging on McGriddles and large Cokes. Eat up, chunkos!

Of course, McDonald's has secretly infiltrated another part of New York's diet, thanks to Chipotle, the Mexican restaurant chain owned by McD's that recently set up shop on St. Marks Place. It's now officially the best burrito in town -- which isn't saying much for a city painfully devoid of good Mexican food. Just please don't tell me their guacamole is made with high-fructose corn syrup.

Elsewhere:

1. The Teens Gone Wild Report: Lindsay Lohan's family starts brawling. And the Olsen Twins clean up the wreckage of "New York Minute."

2. William Shatner: making a guest appearance on "Enterprise"? "Enterprise" is still on television?

3. For those who watched the insanely excellent "Sopranos" episode Sunday, Stereogum has a free MP3 of the final song, by Shawn Smith.

Busy few days here at Fresyes Central, but lemme throw you Valley Rats a little cheese until we can give you a full update later today:

1. We like to think our favorite bloggers have weird dreams about us, so in the off chance we're the ones she was thinking about, Chrissy, we'll meet you at the Silver Dollar Hofbrau on Tuesday. We'll be the middle-aged woman with the red hair.

2. Choose your own New York. Or just read about real estate you don't own. (Gawker and Janelle)

3. Clovis Lakes is getting naked. Stay away from those weird streaks on the No. 2 slide. And for god's sake, bring your own mat!

4. Fun with a Speak N Spell: The ladies of Fur Cups for Teeth invade NYC's Mercury Lounge tonight.

We're glad Famous reads the paper for us, because otherwise we would've missed Fresno craigslist getting a formal mention in newsprint today. Pennysaver, your days are numbered.

Ahhhhhh, but wait! We smell a flashback episode of Fresyes: Remember back in March, when we revealed its sheltered, non-linked existence? At the time, there were fewer than 12 postings on the site. Now, there are more than 130 ... and like any good craigslist, it's already overrun by ignorant assholes! (We thought it would take longer.)

Then there's your "guy from Lodi with an inferiority complex," your token "woman looking for a guy from Wal-Mart" and a missed connection for a bingo-playing mystery girl from the Palace in Lemoore.

For the rest of your day, spend it on this:

From the makers of the hilarious Emo Game and Emo Game 2, here comes the Bush Game. Starring Voltron, Mr. T, Hulk Hogan and a fat version of He-Man. Now if only Dick Cheney could emote like Chris Carrabba of Dashboard Confessional... (Not safe for work.)

Michael Moore: True left-wing patriot, or Bush-baiting gasbag? Who cares! He mentions Fresno in his new movie! That means automatic gold stars from Fresyes.

Per Time's review: "Fahrenheit 9/11 shows some tragicomic effects of the Patriot Act: a man quizzed by the FBI for casually mentioning at his health club that he thought Bush was an 'asshole'; a benign peace group in Fresno, Calif., infiltrated by an undercover police agent. ..."

We loved his past movies, even if the guy himself is insufferable. (I mean, dude... picking on Dick Clark?? Why not just set up a tripwire outside a senior center?) But this time, Roger Ebert says Moore lays off the "muckraking wiseass" schtick to let the stories of Bush, his Saudi family connections, 9/11 and Iraq speak for themselves. Jeffrey Wells also admits to crying after the screening in Cannes.

Other news:

1. Another day, another list: Our Modesto correspondent Katy writes in to "brag" that her hometown fared worse than Fresno on the list of the most horrible places to find work. Sad days indeed for the Bermuda Triangle of California.

2. Just what you needed: A Dave Chappelle Lil' Jon soundboard.

3. While Britney Spears is running off the stage in Germany, Bruce Springsteen is prepping to take the stage outside the Republican Convention in New York. If rumors are true, this oughta come close to matching Rage Against the Machine, Democratic Convention, Los Angeles, 2000. Hell yes.

(ripped off from Scalzi)



(funny because it's true.)

Fresyes has been getting more ink than a drunken Hells Angel, but forgive us if we're a tad occupied with this other news:

Nick Ryan. What happened, brutha? The former ABC 30 newsguy turned KMPH radio personality was arrested at Woodward Park on three counts of suspected lewd and lascivious acts with children younger than 14.

Cops say Ryan "approached three boys, ages 10 and 11, in the park and showed them pictures of nude adults and children that he had stored on a small digital camera; he then attempted to get the boys to go into the bushes with him."

Even more disturbing, police already had their eye on Ryan after a complaint two months ago that he exposed himself to three other boys at a Woodward Park restroom. (To steal Chris Rock's Michael Jackson joke, "We like Nick Ryan so much, we let the first kid slide.")

It's times like these you think: Angelo Stalis, we can still count on you, buddy.

Principal Belding: "I just fired the music teacher. Let's drink."

Thanks to everyone who has submitted suggestions for the Fresyes Schwag Charity Drive. There have been plenty of good suggestions (keep sending 'em), but the overwhelming majority seem to favor giving money to help an elementary school music program.

The only minor problem, of course, is it's gonna take a lot more than $500 in thong revenue to counter the misguided decision at Fresno Unified to cut all elementary school music programs. Just means we'll have to get creative. So keep buying that Fresyes merch, and maybe we can help some kid rage against the machine.

In a related story, it turns out Fresyes fans aren't the only ones rockin' thong underwear these days. Drudge Report deems it fit today to report that the liberal radio network Air America is selling its own brand of butt-flossers.

And speaking of "dirty Democrats," Drudge also leads today with a story about John Kerry's daughter's see-through dress at Cannes. (Hey Drudge, quick news flash: A lot of women don't realize their black dresses are see-through until the flash-bulbs hit it and it's too late.) Leave it to Britain's Rupert Murdoch-owned Sun tabloid to keep things in perspective: "Film director Alexandra, 30, showed at least two reasons why Americans should vote her dad into the White House in November."

(Ed. Note: Our seasoned correspondent gets musical on yo asses this week)

Just when you thought that the recording industry had exhausted any and all creative marketing in lieu of suing 13-year-olds in Branson, Mo., enter Wilco. The Chicago based alt-country visionaries fronted by Jeff Tweedy have a new record slated for release on June 22 ... However, thanks to the miracle of digital piracy, the album has been leaked and available on the web for a little over a month now. In response, Wilco has endorsed a charity campaign whereby guilty downloaders can donate to Doctors Without Borders in exchange for the record. Hey, wait ... aren't they supposed to sue downloaders? Well done, gents. Meantime, they're appearing on an utterly delicious lineup at Bonnaroo on June 11.

Meanwhile, a Stanford University Doctoral Candidate in Political Science has released a paper accusing the RIAA Lawsuits of aiding and abetting terrorism. This is good.

And still more music: this is a Fresyes exclusive. This girl rocks as hard (if not harder) than anyone out there. Elan. Album due in the states soon. Look her up.

1. Dear Fresyes,

If you haven't heard already, the Hooters in Riverpark finally opened last week. And Fresno responded with a stabbing in the restroom. I haven't been inside yet, but every time I pass by, it's packed. It looks like it will turn out to be a biker, gangsta, ugly-loser-guy hangout. But I think I just described the greater Fresno population. When I get a chance to "view the goods" I'll give you an update. I wouldn't be surprised if Gold-diggers girls got day jobs there. 

Signed,
Buffalo Wing Lover


2. An IM with the Governor of Fresyes about our Coach Barnett posting:

coworker: coach barnett led us to the rose bowl
governor: nice. at Northwestern?
coworker: yep
governor: well, that makes up for it all
coworker: his daughter was in my class too
governor: as long as the win column is bigger than the rap sheet, everything's cool, right?
coworker: there's even a bar or something named after him
governor: Roofies'? hahaha
coworker: i don't remember ... everything's a blur ...

Just when Fresno State was hoping to hand over the "Sports Program Most Criminals Prefer" title to the University of Colorado, we now find out that Coach Ray Lopes was uncooperative with police while they were investigating Terry Pettis and the slaying of Rene Shannon Abbott. "When asked why Lopes had not helped police, (Athletic Director Scott) Johnson said, 'That's a good question.' "

Look on the bright side: At least Lopes hasn't publicly dissed the victim's basketball skills, in the grand tradition of Coach Barnett.

The home of Nick Berg's family, in West Chester, Pa.

Tons of news today:

1. For your retching displeasure: The full Red Cross report on abuse in Iraq prisons. The violations were "tantamount to torture" -- including brutality, hooding, humiliation and threats of "imminent execution." Not only that, but "We were dealing here with a broad pattern, not individual acts. There was a pattern and a system."

Meantime, for a fictional parallel reaction, hear Colonel Jessup give it to Tom Cruise.

2. Tarkanian may be gone, but the trouble continues: Former Fresno State hoops player Terry Pettis is wanted by police in connection with the April 27 shooting death of college student Rene Shannon Abbott.

3. Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange: Not dead, after all. But it's not out of the realm of possibility -- Vegas can do that to a person. I got away from the weekend with a slight sunburn.

4. Raefried Beans alerts us to this story about loft-living coming to suburban Colorado. All of the isolation and sprawl of a regular suburb, but with a totally hip new design!

5. Nevermind that I didn't even watch the show or its stupid finale. But ESPN's resident wiseguy Bill Simmons makes a great point: Were the people on "Friends" really friends? Herewith:

"I trickled back for more punishment during the Chandler-Monica thing, became repulsed as Chandler turned into a whipped, emasculated parody of himself (it's bad enough dealing with friends like this in real life, isn't it?), then quit cold turkey when Joey fell for Rachel. They did it again! Rachel was Ross's girl! He had been in love with her for like 10 years! She was pregnant with his kid, for God's sake! And they have the nerve to call the show 'Friends.' "

On the same day, Double Agent sent us tips on whether it's okay to pursue your buddy's ex-girlfriend. A few of the rules:

If He Dumped Her:

a. Wait a minimum of six months after they break up (or at least did the deed), and add six more months of waiting time for each year they dated.

b. If they still sleep together on occasion, don't get involved. There's still an attachment there and someone's going to get hurt. It's probably going to be you.

If She Dumped Him:

a. If she was cruel about the breakup, you probably want to forget it. Why would you want to go there anyway?

b. If she was cool, wait a minimum of one year after they break up (or last slept together), and add six more months of waiting time for every year that they dated. Add additional six months for every time he cries over her in public.

c. If they still sleep together on occasion, don't get involved. Clearly, she enjoys torturing him, and may just be seeking an accomplice for further means of torment.

Finally, we're getting some great suggestions for our still-burgeoning Fresyes Thong Charity Drive. Keep 'em coming to fresyes2003@yahoo.com.

The trendsetters have spoken, and they are crying out, "We love panties that remind us of living in the San Joaquin Valley." Merchandise is flying off the Fresyes store shelves. And although we respect our customers' privacy here at Fresyes, we are a little dismayed that one certain City Councilman opted against buying the thong and instead purchased the safer coffee mug. But I guess that's more convenient when sitting through environmental impact report discussions.

Still, all of this shilling got us thinking: This cash could go to something useful -- something that could help a fellow Fresnan. So, here's the deal: All profits from the sale of Fresyes merchandise will go to a needy group that's decided by the readers. Send your suggestions to fresyes2003@yahoo.com, and in the coming weeks we'll announce who's getting it.

Some possible examples:

-Sponsoring a Little League team (idea blatantly ripped off from Gothamist)
-Money for an after-school recreation program
-Cash for an elementary school music program

Our target (to start out) will be $500. For you math wizards, that's 250 undergarments. To help speed things along, we have a whole batch of new items for sale, including Fresyes boxers, stuffed teddy bears and camisoles.

(Disclaimer: We still run the store with Cafepress, which unfortunately means only $2 from each sale goes to us, and the bulk of the cash goes to that company. If we had more time on our hands, we make our own schwag. But such is life.)

So get cracking.

Well, it's official: We here at Fresyes are sellouts. The Bee has a story today on Fresyes mania sweeping the nation.

Oh, and if you're looking for the thongs and unironic trucker hats, they're right here.

A sad time indeed for the No. 6 city that rocks. Fresno recently lost one of the only musicians who lent credibility to that amazingly inappropriate title. Trumpet virtuoso Paul Shaghoian passed away at 45. Paul was a madman on the horn and shared the stage with The Temptations, the Four Tops, Kenny Rogers, and about every (living) jazz great who's last name isn't G. There's something to be said about a memorial service that contains a 60-piece brass choir. Ciao Paul.

His memorial concert is tonight.

On a lighter note folks … Remember that divorce can be funny, and even YOU can be an eBay celebrity.

Also, WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!! No, no, I'm not referring to anyone living South of Shaw ... but everyone living south of Sacramento. Recently the American Lung Association released its power rankings of the most dangerously polluted communities in the country. All I have to say is that first the Kings will beat the Lakers on the hardwood, then we'll make it a sweep by being #1 for shitty air in 2005.

Let's get together sometime and share a respirator,

559 por Vida

(Editor's note: 559 por Vida is back. The opinions expressed about the Lakers are his alone.)

Remember those episodes of "Happy Days" when the Fonz had to do the unthinkable and admit he was actually wrong -- and then it took a good 10 minutes for the word "sorry" to slide out of his mouth? Well, let's just say I'm expecting President Bush to strap on a leather jacket and some waterskis and throw us a big "Aaaaayyyyyy" tomorrow, because that little weasel FINALLY said the "s" word today for those who were subjected to horrendous abuse in Iraqi prisons -- something the higher-ups have actually known about for months now:

A day after he stopped short of apologizing, Bush told Jordan's King Abdullah II: "I was sorry for the humiliation suffered by the Iraqi prisoners and the humiliation suffered by their families.

"I told him I was as equally sorry that people seeing those pictures didn't understand the true nature and heart of America," Bush said, standing in the Rose Garden alongside Abdullah.

Let's move on...

1. Coolfer tells us that Lollapalooza is coming to New York on a Tuesday and Wednesday, which has gotta be the most retahhhhded idea ever imagined. (Not that I want to brave the dustbowl that is Randall's Island, anyway.) In much better shape is the 'No, where you've got Dave F***ing Chappelle, Simon & Garfunkel and the Crusty Demons Global Assault Tour all on their way. This, right after Pretty Girls Make Graves and Seachange just trotted into town.

Call me mainstream trash, but I've already purchased tix for Van Hagar and the Ben Folds/Rufus/Guster triple threat at Central Park Summerstage. Bring it.

2. "What makes an assassin, Lt. Drebin?" Give it up for Ricardo Montalban, who is opening his own theater. As my co-worker noted: "All the seats will be made of fine Corinthian leather."

They've become a part of our lives … if by "part of our lives" you mean "I have flipped past Channel 4 and Matt LeBlanc's melon head on the way to watch 'Survivor.' " Part of our lives it shall be, then.

We just spent 20 minutes speaking to a Fresno Bee reporter, which led us to wonder, "Hey Governor, you lazy chump, isn't it about time you updated Fresyes before it's removed from every hot permalink out there?" Why yes, it is.

Let's recap the week:

1. Fresno Famous once again beats us to the punch by getting nostalgic on the Vagabond Motel pool. Turns out the historic skate park is going to be a casualty of "downtown revitalization." That also means all you out-of-towners will just have to head to Visalia to get your shred on. (Meantime, there's always "Ken Park," the creepy movie by "Kids" director Larry Clark about skater kids in the South Valley.)

Also check out Famous's new super-hott blog.

2. Correspondent (and former Fresnan) Angel just reported back from South by Southwest (that was some hangover, buddy… it's only been eight months) and he reports that the "Next Big Thing" is in fact Supagroup, a rock 'n' roll band out of New Orleans. (By the way, you missed Jazz Fest, which would've been a touch more humid than Coachella.) Funny thing about Supagroup, last time they played in New York (at Plaid) they managed to get the entire crowd to simultaneously consume shots on command. This must be America's answer to The Darkness.

3. F.O.F. (Friend of Fresyes) Matt wrote this hilarious diatribe today on ESPN.com's Page 3: Go away, L.A. Faker Fans. "Jack is part of the problem, not the solution. If Jack were David Hasselhoff, maybe being a Laker fan wouldn't be so damn cool."

4. Insta-Tearjerker Recipe, care of "The O.C." season finale: Pan slowly across faces of sad people, add Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah." Throw in some MSG for good measure.

5. Ashley Olsen is now single. We don't really have anything to say about that, we swear.