1. Dear Fresyes,

If you haven't heard already, the Hooters in Riverpark finally opened last week. And Fresno responded with a stabbing in the restroom. I haven't been inside yet, but every time I pass by, it's packed. It looks like it will turn out to be a biker, gangsta, ugly-loser-guy hangout. But I think I just described the greater Fresno population. When I get a chance to "view the goods" I'll give you an update. I wouldn't be surprised if Gold-diggers girls got day jobs there. 

Signed,
Buffalo Wing Lover


2. An IM with the Governor of Fresyes about our Coach Barnett posting:

coworker: coach barnett led us to the rose bowl
governor: nice. at Northwestern?
coworker: yep
governor: well, that makes up for it all
coworker: his daughter was in my class too
governor: as long as the win column is bigger than the rap sheet, everything's cool, right?
coworker: there's even a bar or something named after him
governor: Roofies'? hahaha
coworker: i don't remember ... everything's a blur ...

Just when Fresno State was hoping to hand over the "Sports Program Most Criminals Prefer" title to the University of Colorado, we now find out that Coach Ray Lopes was uncooperative with police while they were investigating Terry Pettis and the slaying of Rene Shannon Abbott. "When asked why Lopes had not helped police, (Athletic Director Scott) Johnson said, 'That's a good question.' "

Look on the bright side: At least Lopes hasn't publicly dissed the victim's basketball skills, in the grand tradition of Coach Barnett.

The home of Nick Berg's family, in West Chester, Pa.

Tons of news today:

1. For your retching displeasure: The full Red Cross report on abuse in Iraq prisons. The violations were "tantamount to torture" -- including brutality, hooding, humiliation and threats of "imminent execution." Not only that, but "We were dealing here with a broad pattern, not individual acts. There was a pattern and a system."

Meantime, for a fictional parallel reaction, hear Colonel Jessup give it to Tom Cruise.

2. Tarkanian may be gone, but the trouble continues: Former Fresno State hoops player Terry Pettis is wanted by police in connection with the April 27 shooting death of college student Rene Shannon Abbott.

3. Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange: Not dead, after all. But it's not out of the realm of possibility -- Vegas can do that to a person. I got away from the weekend with a slight sunburn.

4. Raefried Beans alerts us to this story about loft-living coming to suburban Colorado. All of the isolation and sprawl of a regular suburb, but with a totally hip new design!

5. Nevermind that I didn't even watch the show or its stupid finale. But ESPN's resident wiseguy Bill Simmons makes a great point: Were the people on "Friends" really friends? Herewith:

"I trickled back for more punishment during the Chandler-Monica thing, became repulsed as Chandler turned into a whipped, emasculated parody of himself (it's bad enough dealing with friends like this in real life, isn't it?), then quit cold turkey when Joey fell for Rachel. They did it again! Rachel was Ross's girl! He had been in love with her for like 10 years! She was pregnant with his kid, for God's sake! And they have the nerve to call the show 'Friends.' "

On the same day, Double Agent sent us tips on whether it's okay to pursue your buddy's ex-girlfriend. A few of the rules:

If He Dumped Her:

a. Wait a minimum of six months after they break up (or at least did the deed), and add six more months of waiting time for each year they dated.

b. If they still sleep together on occasion, don't get involved. There's still an attachment there and someone's going to get hurt. It's probably going to be you.

If She Dumped Him:

a. If she was cruel about the breakup, you probably want to forget it. Why would you want to go there anyway?

b. If she was cool, wait a minimum of one year after they break up (or last slept together), and add six more months of waiting time for every year that they dated. Add additional six months for every time he cries over her in public.

c. If they still sleep together on occasion, don't get involved. Clearly, she enjoys torturing him, and may just be seeking an accomplice for further means of torment.

Finally, we're getting some great suggestions for our still-burgeoning Fresyes Thong Charity Drive. Keep 'em coming to fresyes2003@yahoo.com.

The trendsetters have spoken, and they are crying out, "We love panties that remind us of living in the San Joaquin Valley." Merchandise is flying off the Fresyes store shelves. And although we respect our customers' privacy here at Fresyes, we are a little dismayed that one certain City Councilman opted against buying the thong and instead purchased the safer coffee mug. But I guess that's more convenient when sitting through environmental impact report discussions.

Still, all of this shilling got us thinking: This cash could go to something useful -- something that could help a fellow Fresnan. So, here's the deal: All profits from the sale of Fresyes merchandise will go to a needy group that's decided by the readers. Send your suggestions to fresyes2003@yahoo.com, and in the coming weeks we'll announce who's getting it.

Some possible examples:

-Sponsoring a Little League team (idea blatantly ripped off from Gothamist)
-Money for an after-school recreation program
-Cash for an elementary school music program

Our target (to start out) will be $500. For you math wizards, that's 250 undergarments. To help speed things along, we have a whole batch of new items for sale, including Fresyes boxers, stuffed teddy bears and camisoles.

(Disclaimer: We still run the store with Cafepress, which unfortunately means only $2 from each sale goes to us, and the bulk of the cash goes to that company. If we had more time on our hands, we make our own schwag. But such is life.)

So get cracking.