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Friday, May 28, 2004

Fresnotes: Stealing New York's Money

We must have been too busy searching for our name in The New Yorker's article about bloggers with book deals, because Amy Langfield tells us that Fresno made this week's Talk of the Town.

Specifically, New York is getting "screwed" out of anti-terrorism funding, while "'high-threat municipalities' such as Fresno, Baton Rouge and Columbus, Ohio" are getting a decent crack at federal money.

We're not going to be so bold as to deny that Fresno Yosemite International Airport is No. 1 on al-Qaida's summer hit list. But New York is certainly getting the shaft: The state is 49th out of 50 states in per-capita spending (Wyoming receives $38.31 per person, New York gets $5.47). Meanwhile, "when the Martha's Vineyard Steamship Authority received nearly a million dollars to upgrade port security, the harbormaster in the town of Oak Bluffs told the Vineyard Gazette, 'Quite honestly, I don't know what we're going to do, but you don't turn down grant money.' "

Elsewhere:

1. Still more proof that Demetri Martin is one of the funniest stand-up dudes in New York. Slate features his diary about writing for "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." Quote of the day: "It's funny how sometimes when you're being a douche bag, you're aware of it while you're doing it. And still, you can't help it."

2. Speaking of proof, maybe trading a McDonald's addiction for a Chipotle addiction isn't such a grand idea, after all. Herewith, a calorie calculator for a Chipotle burrito. Screw it: I'll take that heart attack with a side of guacamole, please.
posted by The Governor @ 10:33 AM  
Thursday, May 27, 2004

We Do NOT Like to Party

Fresyes presents the Top 7 things that currently scare the hell out of us:

7. Clowns, especially those named "Spanky."
6. Little talking dolls possessed by the devil
5. Low-level employees who get so drunk they defecate on themselves at company parties.
4. Getting too close to the 6 Train at the Union Square station (permanent ranking).
3. Hand-to-hand combat involving cable network executives. (Editor Note: Only funny to former coworkers of The Governor.)
2. The Venga Boys' "We Like to Party" (see No. 1)
1. That damned dancing old man from the Six Flags commercials.

(Regarding No. 1: This is old news, but contrary to the amusement park's press releases about a "pop-culture phenomenon," I DON'T CARE if he's actually an old man, or just a young guy with prosthetic jowls. Just make him go away. He's been haunting my every nightmare for several months now.)

In other news, some of our favorite blogs are either collapsing from technical difficulties, or are being overexposed by the New York Times.
posted by The Governor @ 12:58 PM  
Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Tropical Contact High



Nick Hornby sees the future of rock 'n' roll, and it doesn't have enough youthful zest. Two days later, readers tell the geezer to get over it.

We've yet to read Hornby's "Songbook," but we did recently take our own trip down "Embarrassing Musical Taste" Lane while importing most of our CDs onto an iPod. All the old albums were dusted off and received a fresh listen: For instance, we nearly forgot we once were rabid fans of both Midnight Oil and Belly. Oh hell yes. We just said that out loud.

Meanwhile, to further stomp on any musical credibility we once had, the latest Entertainment Weekly has a story actually worth reading: the strange history of the Beach Boys' "Kokomo." Aside from its haunting link to John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos, turns out the tune was written by "Papa John" Phillips, Scott McKenzie and Terry Melcher -- and we're just amazed so many music legends could come together to carefully construct a piece of crap. (If by "crap" we mean "brilliant pop confection," then yes.)

On a related note, residents of Kokomo, Ind., say a low-frequency hum that has bothered people for years has nearly been eliminated. Townsfolk say the hum sounded a bit like 48 separate vocal layers from Al Jardine, Mike Love and Carl Wilson.
posted by The Governor @ 6:53 AM  
Monday, May 24, 2004

... But They're Like Sweet Little Pancakes that Wrap in the Eggy Goodness!



There's nothing like consuming a jumbo popcorn and Coke while watching "Super Size Me," the hilarious, thought-provoking and (for a McDonald's "heavy user") kind of scary new documentary by Morgan Spurlock, who ate only Mickey D's for 30 days … and ended up with serious liver damage. If you read "Fast Food Nation" (I initially did not, for fear of ruining my love affair with the Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit) the mysterious origin of the Chicken McNugget might not surprise you. But Spurlock's binge leaves you feeling pretty damn greasy after seeing all those fat-asses binging on McGriddles and large Cokes. Eat up, chunkos!

Of course, McDonald's has secretly infiltrated another part of New York's diet, thanks to Chipotle, the Mexican restaurant chain owned by McD's that recently set up shop on St. Marks Place. It's now officially the best burrito in town -- which isn't saying much for a city painfully devoid of good Mexican food. Just please don't tell me their guacamole is made with high-fructose corn syrup.

Elsewhere:

1. The Teens Gone Wild Report: Lindsay Lohan's family starts brawling. And the Olsen Twins clean up the wreckage of "New York Minute."

2. William Shatner: making a guest appearance on "Enterprise"? "Enterprise" is still on television?

3. For those who watched the insanely excellent "Sopranos" episode Sunday, Stereogum has a free MP3 of the final song, by Shawn Smith.
posted by The Governor @ 8:54 PM  

Get Me a Liter of Spaten … Stat

Busy few days here at Fresyes Central, but lemme throw you Valley Rats a little cheese until we can give you a full update later today:

1. We like to think our favorite bloggers have weird dreams about us, so in the off chance we're the ones she was thinking about, Chrissy, we'll meet you at the Silver Dollar Hofbrau on Tuesday. We'll be the middle-aged woman with the red hair.

2. Choose your own New York. Or just read about real estate you don't own. (Gawker and Janelle)

3. Clovis Lakes is getting naked. Stay away from those weird streaks on the No. 2 slide. And for god's sake, bring your own mat!

4. Fun with a Speak N Spell: The ladies of Fur Cups for Teeth invade NYC's Mercury Lounge tonight.
posted by The Governor @ 10:49 AM