Fresyes was mildly intrigued by rumors that Scott Peterson's mistress, Amber Frey, spent a year at our alma mater, Hoover High -- but now some dude is telling us that Britney Spears's fiancé, Kevin Federline, went to rival Bullard.

Given Federline's carefully sculpted facial hair, this would make perfect sense. But we have absolutely no proof -- so we're offering a free Fresyes trucker hat to anyone can cough up a jpeg of his yearbook photo. Bring it.

Meantime, Britney is wallowing in the lovefest, posing with Kev and her dog on the cover of People and declaring: "I kissed a bunch of frogs and finally found my prince. I feel like I've found my happily ever after."

Here's what else is crackin':

1. The Governor is Fresward bound and will be stopping through town next week. On the agenda: eating In-N-Out burgers, going to see if "The Caves" still exist and meeting with Brian Calhoun to try to sell him this domain for $1 million. Meantime, all the cool bloggers are stopping through the Valley: Amy Langfield is currently posting from Bakersfield, and in case you shredders didn't realize it, Bakersfield is "The New Fresno." (via Chrissy Fessler)

2. Fahrenheit 9/11: As you already know, it's infuriating, depressing and riveting, no matter what your beliefs about Dumbya. And aside from the cookie-baking Fresno peaceniks targeted by the Patriot Act, the most compelling footage is from Iraq.

3. Van Halen rocked New Jersey: The Daily News hated it, my friends thought Sam Halen "played too much new shit" (three songs being "too much") and I couldn't hear very well after "Unchained" bounced off the cement walls of the Continental Airlines Arena a few hundred times. Eddie and his son Wolfgang (a cherubic Jack Osbourne doppelganger) shredded on "316" together, and just as Michael Anthony shouted "Somebody Get Me a Doctor!" David Lee Roth drove up in an ambulance. Worth every penny.

4. New York Times correction of the week: "An account in the Soccer Report column on June 22 about Ethan Zohn, a former player in Zimbabwe who won $1 million on the CBS reality show "Survivor: Africa" in 2002 and has capitalized on his moment of fame by starting an international nonprofit AIDS awareness foundation on the continent, misstated a word in a comment he made. Mr. Zohn said, "We can make value judgments all we want, but through some cultural differences it has been all right for men in Africa to have multiple sex partners" -- not "all right for me." (via TMFTML)

Oh, and Happy Birthday, U.S.A. Don't go screwing up any other countries while we're away.

1. So there we were, at Lit on 2nd Avenue, telling friends about our nascent plans for a trip to Iceland. "Why Iceland?" they asked me. "So I can finally meet Bjork," I replied. Five minutes later, I walk down into the basement to watch the band Sam Crooked, and who's standing next to me? Friggin' Bjork. I kid you not. She's wearing a multicolored Mexican poncho and has her hair in pigtails. She's a petite little pixie of a woman, but not "fit-in-the-palm-of-your-hand" small, like I imagined. She was surrounded by tall people. Nowhere to be seen, however, was the Cremaster Dude.

Twenty minutes later, we head to the Sin-Sin/Leopard Lounge and walk right into a nasty, mind-blowing freestyle rap battle. It was just like "8 Mile," but with puertorriquenos.

2. Fresyes reader Mari, who joined us for some rock 'n' roll at Sin-e on Friday night, scored yet another sighting of Johnny Knoxville over the weekend -- and once again, he was at Café Habana. The guy clearly loves him some beans and rice.

3. Speaking of Sin-e, major big ups to Tangiers. These guys are pros. They are also Canadian.

4. Spotted on the Chinatown bus from New York to D.C. on Saturday: An annoying woman who kept falling asleep on my shoulder. Thankfully, this one wasn't a drooler.

5. Future sightings: We'll be at Van Halen Tuesday night in New Jersey, so expect a full report this week about all the big hair and former Montrose groupies converging on Continental Airlines Arena. Early word from the Worcester, Mass., show is that Sammy Hagar isn't afraid to sing some DLR, and Eddie and Alex Van Halen are the skinniest, most malnourished siblings since Mary-Kate and Ashley.

(Editor's Update: Just when we thought we were being all clever about the Van Halens and Olsens, some sad breaking news puts a damper on all of it. Mary-Kate is in rehab for an eating disorder. Further proof that Fresyes is psychic, I guess.)

Nothing like a good summer rain to wipe that puke and urine smell out of New York. Now our favorite contributor, 559 por Vida, weighs in with a new list: The Top 10 Smells of the Week. Behold:

10. Fear
9. What the Rock is cookin'
8. The 20-mile stretch between Lemoore and Hanford
7. Bangladesh
6. 559's roommate's breath after packing a berry-flavored chewing tobacco dip
5. Free lunch
4. Girls
3. Wet pennies (think about it...gross)
2. The sweet smell of millions of shattered dreams (and egos) in Los Angeles (Lakers are bullshit...told ya)
1. Baseball

Meantime, Fresyes is taking a short break to take a whiff of Sin-e and tour the fine city of D.C. this weekend. Later.

1. Hollywood Hustle: Fres-friend Matt Graham runs a picket fence against "Superman" Dean Cain (aka Scott Peterson), and he doesn't get caught watching the paint dry. Big ups to the Graham Cracker for his new ESPN.com column, in which he goes head-to-head with celebrities in the sport of their choice. Up next: Tonsil hockey with Fran Drescher, perhaps? We vote hell yes. Stay tuned.

2. Hollywood Gristle: Our other friend Alli does reality-show casting, and she's now hunting for "fat professional men" (approx. 50-100 lbs. overweight) for "the 'Survivor' of weight-loss shows," titled (get this) "Biggest Loser." Go ahead and contact us (put down that chicken wing first, Tubby) if you're the right blob of humanity for the job.

3. Speaking of reality shows and "biggest loser," the Australian newspaper reports that INXS is the band behind Mark Burnett's new "American Idol" talent hunt, "Rock Star." So why not just call this show "Who Wants to Dance on the Grave of a Great Frontman?" If Michael Hutchence were alive right now... well, we wouldn't be in this predicament, would we?

Fresyes is still considering trying out, but we would have preferred the chance to join Crowded House or even Midnight Oil, who may just need a new singer if they reunite after the upcoming election. Plus, Peter Garrett's not dead, which means God is less likely to strike down whichever contestant butchers "Beds Are Burning" on national TV. (via Coolfer)

4. This is a song about daytime lovin'. (via Stereogum)

Finally, we've been compiling more lists, for absolutely no reason. So herewith, Fresyes presents the Top 7 things that currently put us to sleep (in a good way):

7. Biscuits and gravy, with a margarita
6. "The Joy of Painting" reruns with Bob Ross
5. World Celebrity Poker Showdown
4. Frisbee break in the sheep meadow
3. John Cale's version of "Hallelujah"
2. The V Train at 5:30 p.m.
1. Sunlight

Feel free to add your own.

1. Well now...he has returned. Taking his sweet-ass time I know, but he is truly sorry. The "he" to which I'm referring isn't the handsome and talented 559 por VIDA (although he truly missed you, too), but the man who brought us "Gett Off" and "Erotic City," then tossed them in the closet in lieu of his newfound witnessing of the great rockshow of Jehovah, and still managed to drop "Musicology" -- the album which answers the age-old question, "would the universe explode if Prince ever sang with Earth, Wind, and Fire?" Well ... the answer is no, but it sure did kick some ass. Prince has reinvented himself and I suggest going to see him as soon as possible, but don't wait for him to come knocking on your door with a stroller full of bags of sugar ... by then, the funk will be dead.

2. Warning: Random cavity searches and Federal Waterpark Marshalls at Clovis Lakes ... summertime is the right time for terror. Remember the sunscreen!

3. The following is a FRESYES EXCLUSIVE excerpt from dialogue between the National Football League and an imaginary representative of common social decency and responsibility:

Social Decency: Hello NFL
NFL: Howdy
SD: I couldn't help but notice some less than appropriate comments made by Bill Parcells, coach of the Dallas Cowboys this week in the pr...
NFL: Yep, Coach Parcells, one of the greats...The TUNA they call him, he's lookin' to return the Lombardi Trophy to Dallas this year, watch all season on FOX...Terry, Howie, JB...what a HOOT!
SD: Yes, that's great, but the comments he made...you've heard right? The racist comme...
NFL: Hold it right there little fella, this here's the N-F-L, in the great state of Texas ... and I'll have you know that we don't believe in racism
SD: Well, yes, you've made that abundantly clear, but don't you think that the NFL is responsible for making a disciplinary statement on behalf of its players and fans to ensure that this type of behavior doesn't happen again?
NFL: Huh? Wait ... what? Sorry (common social decency and responsibility), I wasn't paying attention, what was that again?
SD: Nevermind.

4. Okay President Reagan, we understand that you're dead and all, but the $10 bill? Let's see...a lousy western actor turned not-as-good-as-everyone-thought-he-was politician ... is it just me, or do the rest of you think that Alan Autry should be on the nickel?

5. Job shortage?? HOGWASH!! The Iraqi Governing Council wants YOU.

See y'all at the cyanide pool party 2004!

-559 por VIDA

Honey pie, we're back. We missed you. No, baby, there's not another blog in our lives. We swear. We've just been … uh, busy. Please, baby, please know that you are our one and only …

We can't decide on the best excuse for our light posting schedule on Fresyes these days, so we'll just let you take your pick:

Excuse #1: It's summer in New York. The last thing we want to be doing after work hours is sitting in front of a g.d. computer.

Excuse #2: We've secretly taken pleasure from your daily disappointment -- the fleeting letdown that occurs when you, the loyal readers, come to the Fresyes website and realize, "Those lazy bastards haven't written anything since Sunday… and even THAT sucked."

But we're not alone. Turns out many of our favorite New York blogs have either taken up a half-time summer schedule or disappeared entirely -- leaving little doubt that this "blogging phenomenon" is directly linked to the weather. So check the Doppler if you want a better prediction of when we're going to grace you with our presence again.

Meantime, here's some stuff that's been backed up in our inbox from the past week:

1. We spotted Johnny Knoxville at Café Habana last weekend (reading the NY Times, eating beans out of a cup and listening to his iPod, if you must know), this, just weeks after our breathtaking Naomi Watts run-in at the takeout counter. Incidentally, Knoxville also is starring in the new flick "Grand Theft Parsons," which depicts the fiery final sendoff of songwriter Gram Parsons. And while the Reagan funeral is nice, we all know the best way to say goodbye to a dear friend is to get drunk, steal the casket and set it on fire at Joshua Tree National Forest.

2. Kinky Freidman -- mystery novel author, salsa maker, former member of the Texas Jewboys and resident of my parents' old record collection -- is running for Texas Governor. His major campaign issue is outlawing the declawing of cats. (via Slatch)

3. We don't want to stir up a girlfight (okay, maybe we do), but this Fresno Famous article on Fresno hofbraus reminds us vaguely of that dream Chrissy Fessler had about us the other week. Either way, both posts tell you more than you ever wanted to know about the Great Fresno Hofbrau Explosion. Hofbrau. It's just a great word. Hofbrau.

4. Coincidence? We think not! Britney Spears blows out her knee in New York while shooting a video. At the same time, a dear friend of the Fresyes family breaks her leg in New York when she's hit by a cab running a red light. Their lives are intertwined forever.

Best wishes to her for a speedy recovery. And a cautionary note to New York tourists: Jaywalking is always the safer bet.

Monogaho*: noun. 1. Person who specializes in serious, marriage-minded relationships, which often end quickly and demonstrate a fear, or incapability, of being alone. 2. Serial monogamy, magnified. See Lopez, Jennifer.



*please credit Keith O'Connor for all future use of this word.