We keed, we keed…

Here's some text from Al Sharpton's real speech, which rocked the DNC Wednesday (and was a mere 14 minutes longer than what was scripted!):

"The promise of America is government that does not seek to regulate your behavior in the bedroom but to guarantee your right to provide food in the kitchen.

"The promise of America is that we stand for human rights - whether it's fighting slavery in Sudan, AIDS in Lesotho, or police brutality in this country.

"The promise of America is one immigration policy for all who seek to enter our shores, whether they come from Mexico, Haiti, or Canada.

"The promise of America is that every citizen's vote is counted and protected, and election schemes do not decide elections."

Meanwhile, another quote of the night came from former presidential punchline Michael Dukakis, discussing the Republicans' "Massachusetts Liberal" label: "If they're so hung up on Massachusetts, why do they all want to send their kids to school here?"

(Editor's Note: Fresyes national affairs correspondent 559 por Vida is on location in Boston, where he sent this dispatch from the DNC as counterprogramming for those who read the NY Post. Hey Post ... You and Andrea Peyser and Mallard Fillmore can all suggggit.)

Welcome to the Democratic Revolution. If I were to have told you Monday that the most moving and profound political convention speech in American politics since Mario Cuomo's masterpiece in 1992 was delivered by a 42-year-old Illinois State Senator, you would have looked at me like I'd just elected Bubba Skinner mayor. Keynote speaker Barack Obama (Barack the Blessed, per the National Review) took the stage at the Democratic National Convention last night a relatively unknown character. This morning, Barack Obama has gone from anonymity to being a prominent figurehead of the Democratic party.

He's got the fire.

Obama's story is a microcosm of the American dream. His father was a Kenyan immigrant, his mother from Kansas. Former Editor of the Harvard Law Review (which PBS's Jim Lehrer last night credited as the only job harder to get than President of the United States), Obama's political career has exploded through his embrace of an inclusive populist platform. He won his seat for Illinois State Senate by an unthinkable margin ... he received 53% of the vote in a six-candidate race. That, my friends, is what we call a South Side Chicago ASS WHUPPIN'. He became the only candidate for US Senate from Illinois after Perv-O Jack Ryan's abrupt and disgraceful departure earlier this year. (Ed. note: The Fresyes Editorial Board does, however, give Ryan points for hookin' up with Seven of Nine in the first place.) Hey Illinois Republicans...I dare you to run against him...I DARE YOU.

I used to think that Terry McAuliffe was an idiot. Well, if he had anything to do with booking an unknown State Senator from Illinois as keynote speaker, we're cool Terry. You've earned some stripes. Last night's speech has been widely regarded as the rallying cry for the 2004 Democrats. If you missed it...here are some highlights:

"...I'm not talking about blind optimism here-the almost willful ignorance that thinks unemployment will go away if we just don't talk about it, or the health care crisis will solve itself if we just ignore it. No, I'm talking about something more substantial. It's the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs...

"There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America. The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States.

"The skinny kid with the funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too."

How unfortunate that the major television networks chose not to cover last night's performance. Thank god for public television.

"Strength and wisdom are not opposing values."

-Bill Clinton

And did anyone see Ben Affleck on "Crossfire" last night? Surprisingly, he was not an idiot. ... but he came off like a high-school debate champ overly eager to jump into politics. Expect those Affleck campaign posters shortly. Meanwhile, this just in: Al Sharpton is a pimp.

In the pantheon of big-screen romances, theirs has become an instant classic: Kip and LaFawnduh. The passion of their chat-room relationship burns up the scenes in "Napoleon Dynamite." And as fate would have it, the leading man is a Fresnan.

Actor-director Aaron Ruell, 28, a 1994 Clovis West graduate, joined up with a couple buddies from BYU (director Jared Hess and actor Jon Heder) to costar in "Dynamite" as Napoleon's geeked-out bro Kip, who morphs from mustachioed pipsqueak to bling-bling hustla. The film was a crowd fave at the Sundance Film Festival and is now a cult hit in theaters.

Fresyes recently scored a Q&A with Ruell, who's married to his editor, Yuka, and is currently living "in the mellow town of Pasadena." His next gig will be as director, for his feature "Warm Blue Day."

So, how long did you live in the 'No?
I lived in Fresno till I was 12. We lived right in the middle of the Tower District. Then my parents built a house in the country of Clovis, which is where I lived till I moved out at 19.

Did you go straight to BYU after high school?
I went on a mission -- I'm Mormon -- to Guatemala when I was 19. Got back, went to a semester at Fresno State, then transferred to the film program at BYU. That's where I met up with Jared. We did everything together up there -- always worked on each other's films. He actually introduced me to my wife, and three years later, we returned the favor by introducing him to who would later become his wife.

So for the part of Kip, were you his first choice?
Jared wrote the part of Kip for me and forced me to play it.

Are you anything like Kip in real life? Fan of chat rooms, maybe? Time travel?
Everyone's got a little bit of Kip in them. But Kip is partially based on my real-life little brother. The time-machine scene really happened, down to the crystals.

Did you ever expect "Napoleon Dynamite" to end up like this? Sundance alone must have been wild…
No, nobody involved with the film ever thought it would be one of "the" films at Sundance, let alone get into the festival. It was really surreal. Here was this festival we had been to a number of times as normal "movie goers," and then to be part of it all was so weird and odd and nice.

"Napoleon" is based in rural Preston, Idaho. Any similarities between there and a certain hometown?
A little bit. Clovis is a really country-like town. I mean, we've got a rodeo, right? Big Hat Days? So it was somewhat similar, but Preston was like Clovis times 100. That place was pretty hardcore.

How many times did you get slapped for that early scene with Napoleon (Jon Heder)?
Not too many. Jon's a pansy boy. … No, Jon was pretty mellow with his slaps. It was the Rex Kwon Do scenes that messed me up. (Actor Diedrich) Bader slapped the crap out of me in that scene.

So you're also a director. What's "Warm Blue Day" about?
It's about an old blind man and a young girl who each have very different addictions, and how, through this odd friendship that they strike up, how they help each other deal with these addictions. Sounds sappy, but I promise it's not.

Jared is one of my producers on that. We hope to be in production on that by year's end or early next year.

Ok, quick: Blackbeard's or Clovis Lakes?
Clovis Lakes, but back when it was only four waterslides and "The Rampage." And you parked in a big dirt lot.

Jerry Tarkanian or Boyd Grant?
Tark the Shark.

Name your favorite Fresno hangout.
I always liked the chicken pie shop.

We interrupt this blog about Hilary Duff, "Napoleon Dynamite" and Britney Spears to make this simple request:

Can we stop with the g.d. Associated Press reports about C-list celebrities and their views on Bush or Kerry?

Linda Ronstadt, Whoopi Goldberg and Bonnie Raitt all have been singled out in the press recently for their anti-Bush views. So, who's next? Bonnie Hunt? Bonnie Franklin? Will there be a Republican boycott of "One Day At a Time" reruns on TV Land? Is anyone safe from this witch hunt?

I don't blame Republicans so much as lazy journalists for this media shitstorm over Linda Ronstadt's comments during her show at the Aladdin Hotel. The casino's president had an axe to grind with Ronstadt, exaggerated the anarchy of "drinks being thrown, posters being torn down" after she praised Michael Moore, and he turned it into a great publicity stunt for his financially strapped hotel. Good for him.

Meanwhile, the AP reporter (no doubt anxious for some pickup in the New York Post) gobbled it up and, under a tight deadline, didn't bother checking to see if any of this really happened. Some concert goers later said the response was a mix of boos and cheers, pretty much what you hear every time some star rants about politics onstage. Big effing deal.

A similar incident happened last year, when an Associated Press reporter described a near-riot atmosphere during a Pearl Jam show, when Eddie Vedder "impaled" a mask of George W. Bush on his microphone stand. And just like Ronstadt, it later turned out that the crowd reaction was exaggerated.

In conclusion, AP should stick to what it knows best: Stories about chickens disrupting traffic and barracuda attacks.

Some of you may know the vague connection between Fresyes and our favorite New York band, Tear Us Apart, so it's a bittersweet weekend for the Governor as the rock supergroup officially bids farewell. One guitarist, Rob, is moving to deep New Jersey, and the remaining members plan to take time off to write some brand new music and, in the words of U2, "dream it up all over again." (Bono, a true master of cheese.)

Unlike Metallica, TUA opted against hiring a group therapist. So you can watch them work out their issues in public at Saturday's farewell show at Trash (the Williamsburg joint formerly known as Luxx). More details are here.

1. Honestly, as if Hilary Duff didn't already provide the Governor and me with enough entertainment from her movies and music, she had to go and drop the greatest time-waster in the history of drearily slow Friday afternoons: Have Hilary call your friends. The best part is that you can have any number appear as caller ID on their cell phone. Wicked fun.

2. Plug in, turn up, and start gnashing teeth. As you know, we here at Fresyes are all about the rock. I can't sleep unless Iggy Pop sings me there. Mag Rack, an on-demand TV network, has introduced their hunt for the best guitar face. Time to start chewing nails. We can't be sure, but our guys on the inside are guessing that the winning snarl will be part Ted Nugent, part Gene Simmons, and all metal. I wonder if Fresno's Russ Parrish wants to enter his "Eddie Van Halen in the good days" look. (Missed you guys in SB last week, Russ ... kicked myself repeatedly.)

3. There's been a sighting of the real Dr. Nick from "The Simpsons." Do not have surgery in Romania.

4. Don't you just hate it when this happens ... Return to Sin City, a tribute to Gram Parsons, came through town last weekend. The lineup and music was amazing: Keith Richards, Norah Jones, Dwight Yoakam, Lucinda Williams, Steve Earle, Jim James from My Morning Jacket, Jay Farrar and more... HOWEVER. The night itself was tainted by the inebriated Polly Parsons (Gram's unfortunate offspring), who kept staggering onstage and whining into the mic after every performance: "YYew guys...thhith ith the byest day of my liiife. YOOOW!"

As it turns out, Polly is the co-owner of Sin City Marketing, the company who recently realized that the statute of limitations on exploiting a famous dead family member had expired! (Gram died in 1973.) I've never heard so many references to "business partners" at a tribute before.

Update from yesterday's post: For those of you who haven't seen "Napoleon Dynamite," this is Napoleon and his nerdy-ass brother, Kip, who enjoys chat-room dates with his girlfriend LaFawnduh and may one day master the art of Rex Kwon Do.

Kip is also actor Aaron Ruell, who apparently was born and raised in Fresno, one faithful reader informs us. Ruell, a 2000 graduate of Brigham Young, teamed up with director Jared Hess and star Jonathan Heder (also both from BYU) for "Napoleon," and he's freaking brilliant in it.

1. Thanks to Napoleon Dynamite, my new favorite animal is a Liger -- half lion, half tiger with magical powers.

2. Fellow redneck Amy Langfield points out that "Fres-NO" is mentioned in the new David Spade Capital One commercials, but I must have missed it while thinking about what a pathetic career move it is for Spade to drag out his old "phone guy" routine for a credit-card ad. Hey Dave, it was funny the first time I saw it … in 1993.

3. More proof that Britney's gone nuts.

4. If GG Allin were alive today, he would be crapping himself: Our current 'hood (off Avenue B, where Allin played his last show and later died of a heroin overdose) is going to be home to a new batch of luxury lofts, which are selling for $545,000 to $745,000. As Curbed notes, those lofts better have some thick soundproofing, because they'll be living right across the street from a very busy firehouse.

5. You don't have to be a Metallica fan to enjoy "Some Kind of Monster," the insane new documentary that shows the band going into therapy with a "performance coach" and James Hetfield battling alcoholism while trying to record their last album (which sucked, but that's not the point). What's most amazing is not only that Metallica was willing to document how screwed up (and filthy rich) they have become, but that the group decided to venture deep into their personal histories to sort out their various ego problems. Best scene in the movie: The therapist bringing in former Metallica guitarist-turned-Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine, who nearly comes to tears while confronting Lars Ulrich about getting kicked out of the band in 1982 because of his own alcoholism. All together now: "Hello me, Meet the real me."

Lots to cover, people (and blogger screwed up my links... but they're fixed now):

1. Welcome to the O.Z., bitch! Fresno Bee columnist Mike "Oz" Osegueda stakes his journalistic integrity on our half-assed reporting here at Fresyes … and we love him for it! His pop-culture column for McClatchy's Finest is a must-read and a good sign that the Bee is finally trying to court readers under the age of 85 -- a demographic newspaper executives are hearing more and more about in the San Joaquin Valley these days. As long as they don't get rid of Family Circus, everything will be just fine -- and we'll keep kissing ass until they give us a writeup in the Faith & Values section.

2. You know a blog is truly brilliant when it gets a write-up in the New York Post in its first week. Breakup News is a comprehensive listing of ugly splits, written in the for-the-record style of The New York Times' own Women's Sports Page. Here's the Rosado/Kaysen announcement: "Ronda Kaysen, 27, would like to reiterate that she and Daryl Rosado, 42, remain broken up. The couple first broke up on Valentine's Day 2002, after Mr. Rosado cancelled the evening's activities. The two had been dating for six weeks. 'He was a total loser,' said Kaysen of her former flame. 'He flaked on me like three times in a month.' Rosado was Kaysen's first relationship after her tumultuous breakup with Martin Brower, a design student at Pratt University, eight months earlier. Why anyone would date a male design student remains unclear."

3. Relative to our earlier post, we did some research into "Bakersfield's No. 1 Dating Site." Slap on your shit-kickers and mosey over to MyCountryMatch.com -- which, judging by the above picture, specializes in people who like to play horsey. In actuality, "The majority of our members are drawn to today's country music -- artists like Alan Jackson, Faith Hill, Martina McBride and Rascal Flatts. Country music speaks to your heart. You relate to the lyrics, you appreciate the values, and the sexuality and romance make your heart pound."

For our money, we'd rather go to the hot new singles site, It's Just Lunch -- And a Night of Bloodletting to Carpathian Forest Satanicide Death Metal. But hey, love is where you find it.

4. The Dude and John Irving, United: We're not just saying this because we have a friend who worked on the film, but "Door in the Floor" is well worth your movie dollar this weekend, if only for Jeff Bridges' brilliant, Oscar-worthy performance as a self-involved boozehound children's book author and grieving parent. (Okay, there's a couple hottt nude scenes with Kim Basinger. But it's art, you pervs.) The reviews are pretty mixed, but Fresyes gives the film a solid three raisins (out of four).

Leave it to Bakersfield's one-woman Chamber of Commerce, Amy Langfield, to demonstrate (via photoblog) the Drillers' obvious superiority over their Metropolitan Northern Neighbors:

Fresno



Bakersfield



Frez can't compete with an RV like that. There, we said it.

(Editor's note: Our favorite -- and by "favorite" we mean "only" -- contributor 559 sent us this posting, which was scrawled in blood on a piece of Courtney Love's personal stationery and wadded up on our doorstep.)

Welcome back Fresyes. Hey, everyone needs a little time off now and then ... especially after the Governor and I got served by Federline's G-boys for breaking his True Hollywood Story before he could sell it to E! You'll never intimidate us Federline, even with that wicked box step and pop & lock!

Next up: Lakers. Who's to blame? Shaq? Kobe? Phil? Well, it's easy. Who else can you blame but the king pedarast himself, owner Jerry Buss (also known as actor Frank Morgan, the guy in the Wizard of Oz who answers the door of the Emerald City and says "now that's a horse of a different color!"). It was Buss who let Jerry West, the best GM in the history of the game, walk right out the door and into the welcoming arms of the Memphis Grizzlies. You'll remember West as the man responsible for revitalizing the Los Angeles Lakers by acquiring Phil, Shaq and Kobe, subsequently building a dynasty. What would be different about the Lakers today if West had stayed? Well, it's hard to say, but in my mind it'd be kinda like the opening credits of "Three's Company" with Phil, Shaq, and Kobe playing the parts of Janet, Crissy and Jack.

So news hit the wire over the weekend that Britney has decided to not have beau Federline sign a pre-nuptial agreement. Is it just me or is Kevin Federline in the employ of Dr. Evil? Excerpt from dialogue overheard (in my head):

Dr. Evil: Excellent work No. 2, you have succeeded once again.
Federline: My pleasure, Dr. Evil.
DE: You've not only successfully convinced the world's most powerful pop diva to marry your sorry ass, but have fed her retard pills as well.
F: Just as you commanded, sir.

Now, the "Best Week Ever" writers have named Federline the Man with the $50 million Penis.

Yes, the easygoing Abercrombie rock of Guster made Central Park the prime spot (aside from Brother Jimmy's) for college honeys and white hats on Tuesday night, but it was Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds whose duet of Wham's "Careless Whisper" made it worth the $45 tickets alone. Other notable moments: Rufus brought out his mom, sis and bro for perfect renditions of "One Man Guy" and a cover of "Over the Rainbow." (Rufus doing a Judy Garland cover must rank a solid 99 on the Gay-O-Meter, not that there's anything wrong with that.) Ben Folds followed with his crowd-as-horn-section schtick, which worked nicely on "Army" and "Not the Same." And the 10 p.m. curfew for Central Park concerts still blows.

B-list celeb sighted in the crowd: Jeff Garlin, the big guy who plays Larry David's manager on "Curb Your Enthusiasm." And according to this Q&A, Rufus wanted to name the tour "Odd Men Out." The triple-threat is back onstage tonight for another round.

Meanwhile, Ben Folds is teaming up with William Shatner to help his Priceline buddy record a new album, and he's also doing a cover of the Darkness's "Get Your Hands Off My Woman." Hell yeah.

We nearly made it to Fresno last week, but these cows totally cut us off on the way out of Stanislaus National Forest. In truth, we were too busy sucking down scotch and lounging on a floatie in the middle of Twain Harte Lake to travel to the Great Central Valley -- and it's a damn shame, because we wanted to attend the law-enforcement-friendly Fresno Famous Festival, which kicked off over the weekend.

Alas, we're back in New York and playing catch-up:

1. Weezie has died. Helen is organizing memorial services this weekend at the Help Center.

2. Getting dumped for a Fresnan was apparently the last straw: Britney's ex-husband, Jason Alexander, grants an "exclusive interview" with Britain's News of the World, spilling his guts about their passionate romp in Vegas. But Stereogum and others quickly point out that no dude from Kentwood, Louisiana, would ever use the word "gobsmacked" in a sentence. The tabloid even quotes Britney's ex using the bleeped-out word "a***," which we can only presume means "arse." (As in, she had a beautiful "arse," and Britney's handlers can take their hush money and shove it up their "arse.")

3. The NYT's Jon Pareles isn't the first guy I've heard describe Rufus Wainwright's music as "precious." But that's his take on a track from the new iTunes exclusive EP, "Waiting for a Want." Our thoughts: The four-song collection is not so memorable on first listen, but it'll hold us over until Tuesday's Central Park show -- and until "Want Two" ever finds its way onto record store shelves.

4. Finally, the Governor's parents submit this belated, paraphrased report from Simon & Garfunkel at the Save Mart Center: "Dear Governor, the show was outstanding. They played all the hits, and at one point their opening act, the Everly Brothers, came out and joined them to perform 'Bye Bye Love.'" Obviously, the Governor's parents were sitting nowhere near this craigslist poster, who chastises the drunk people behind him/her for slurring throughout the entire $80+ concert. Or maybe that WAS the Governor's parents. Developing …

(***NOTE: Not a baby photo of Kevin Federline.)

You Got Served: Sources tell Fresyes that Britney Spears's white knight attended Bullard High School for two years and dropped out after his sophomore year. He also allegedly "was cofounder of a thuggy street gang known as 'The G-Boys.'" (Their words, not ours. Please don't kill us.) The gang's origins apparently go back to Tenaya Middle School.

No doubt they could probably outdance the Sharks and Jets: A poster on Fresno's livejournal also claims that Federline was an active member of Dance Empowerment, a group located on Ashlan and West.

No yearbook photo as of yet, but we'll keep you posted. (UPDATE! Our homegirl Fresno Famous just located a photo and admitted to having a dirrrty crush on him in high school.)

Through all of this, we can't stop thinking about the hilarious "You Got Served" episode of "South Park."