Lots to cover, people (and blogger screwed up my links... but they're fixed now):

1. Welcome to the O.Z., bitch! Fresno Bee columnist Mike "Oz" Osegueda stakes his journalistic integrity on our half-assed reporting here at Fresyes … and we love him for it! His pop-culture column for McClatchy's Finest is a must-read and a good sign that the Bee is finally trying to court readers under the age of 85 -- a demographic newspaper executives are hearing more and more about in the San Joaquin Valley these days. As long as they don't get rid of Family Circus, everything will be just fine -- and we'll keep kissing ass until they give us a writeup in the Faith & Values section.

2. You know a blog is truly brilliant when it gets a write-up in the New York Post in its first week. Breakup News is a comprehensive listing of ugly splits, written in the for-the-record style of The New York Times' own Women's Sports Page. Here's the Rosado/Kaysen announcement: "Ronda Kaysen, 27, would like to reiterate that she and Daryl Rosado, 42, remain broken up. The couple first broke up on Valentine's Day 2002, after Mr. Rosado cancelled the evening's activities. The two had been dating for six weeks. 'He was a total loser,' said Kaysen of her former flame. 'He flaked on me like three times in a month.' Rosado was Kaysen's first relationship after her tumultuous breakup with Martin Brower, a design student at Pratt University, eight months earlier. Why anyone would date a male design student remains unclear."

3. Relative to our earlier post, we did some research into "Bakersfield's No. 1 Dating Site." Slap on your shit-kickers and mosey over to MyCountryMatch.com -- which, judging by the above picture, specializes in people who like to play horsey. In actuality, "The majority of our members are drawn to today's country music -- artists like Alan Jackson, Faith Hill, Martina McBride and Rascal Flatts. Country music speaks to your heart. You relate to the lyrics, you appreciate the values, and the sexuality and romance make your heart pound."

For our money, we'd rather go to the hot new singles site, It's Just Lunch -- And a Night of Bloodletting to Carpathian Forest Satanicide Death Metal. But hey, love is where you find it.

4. The Dude and John Irving, United: We're not just saying this because we have a friend who worked on the film, but "Door in the Floor" is well worth your movie dollar this weekend, if only for Jeff Bridges' brilliant, Oscar-worthy performance as a self-involved boozehound children's book author and grieving parent. (Okay, there's a couple hottt nude scenes with Kim Basinger. But it's art, you pervs.) The reviews are pretty mixed, but Fresyes gives the film a solid three raisins (out of four).

Leave it to Bakersfield's one-woman Chamber of Commerce, Amy Langfield, to demonstrate (via photoblog) the Drillers' obvious superiority over their Metropolitan Northern Neighbors:

Fresno



Bakersfield



Frez can't compete with an RV like that. There, we said it.

(Editor's note: Our favorite -- and by "favorite" we mean "only" -- contributor 559 sent us this posting, which was scrawled in blood on a piece of Courtney Love's personal stationery and wadded up on our doorstep.)

Welcome back Fresyes. Hey, everyone needs a little time off now and then ... especially after the Governor and I got served by Federline's G-boys for breaking his True Hollywood Story before he could sell it to E! You'll never intimidate us Federline, even with that wicked box step and pop & lock!

Next up: Lakers. Who's to blame? Shaq? Kobe? Phil? Well, it's easy. Who else can you blame but the king pedarast himself, owner Jerry Buss (also known as actor Frank Morgan, the guy in the Wizard of Oz who answers the door of the Emerald City and says "now that's a horse of a different color!"). It was Buss who let Jerry West, the best GM in the history of the game, walk right out the door and into the welcoming arms of the Memphis Grizzlies. You'll remember West as the man responsible for revitalizing the Los Angeles Lakers by acquiring Phil, Shaq and Kobe, subsequently building a dynasty. What would be different about the Lakers today if West had stayed? Well, it's hard to say, but in my mind it'd be kinda like the opening credits of "Three's Company" with Phil, Shaq, and Kobe playing the parts of Janet, Crissy and Jack.

So news hit the wire over the weekend that Britney has decided to not have beau Federline sign a pre-nuptial agreement. Is it just me or is Kevin Federline in the employ of Dr. Evil? Excerpt from dialogue overheard (in my head):

Dr. Evil: Excellent work No. 2, you have succeeded once again.
Federline: My pleasure, Dr. Evil.
DE: You've not only successfully convinced the world's most powerful pop diva to marry your sorry ass, but have fed her retard pills as well.
F: Just as you commanded, sir.

Now, the "Best Week Ever" writers have named Federline the Man with the $50 million Penis.

Yes, the easygoing Abercrombie rock of Guster made Central Park the prime spot (aside from Brother Jimmy's) for college honeys and white hats on Tuesday night, but it was Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds whose duet of Wham's "Careless Whisper" made it worth the $45 tickets alone. Other notable moments: Rufus brought out his mom, sis and bro for perfect renditions of "One Man Guy" and a cover of "Over the Rainbow." (Rufus doing a Judy Garland cover must rank a solid 99 on the Gay-O-Meter, not that there's anything wrong with that.) Ben Folds followed with his crowd-as-horn-section schtick, which worked nicely on "Army" and "Not the Same." And the 10 p.m. curfew for Central Park concerts still blows.

B-list celeb sighted in the crowd: Jeff Garlin, the big guy who plays Larry David's manager on "Curb Your Enthusiasm." And according to this Q&A, Rufus wanted to name the tour "Odd Men Out." The triple-threat is back onstage tonight for another round.

Meanwhile, Ben Folds is teaming up with William Shatner to help his Priceline buddy record a new album, and he's also doing a cover of the Darkness's "Get Your Hands Off My Woman." Hell yeah.

We nearly made it to Fresno last week, but these cows totally cut us off on the way out of Stanislaus National Forest. In truth, we were too busy sucking down scotch and lounging on a floatie in the middle of Twain Harte Lake to travel to the Great Central Valley -- and it's a damn shame, because we wanted to attend the law-enforcement-friendly Fresno Famous Festival, which kicked off over the weekend.

Alas, we're back in New York and playing catch-up:

1. Weezie has died. Helen is organizing memorial services this weekend at the Help Center.

2. Getting dumped for a Fresnan was apparently the last straw: Britney's ex-husband, Jason Alexander, grants an "exclusive interview" with Britain's News of the World, spilling his guts about their passionate romp in Vegas. But Stereogum and others quickly point out that no dude from Kentwood, Louisiana, would ever use the word "gobsmacked" in a sentence. The tabloid even quotes Britney's ex using the bleeped-out word "a***," which we can only presume means "arse." (As in, she had a beautiful "arse," and Britney's handlers can take their hush money and shove it up their "arse.")

3. The NYT's Jon Pareles isn't the first guy I've heard describe Rufus Wainwright's music as "precious." But that's his take on a track from the new iTunes exclusive EP, "Waiting for a Want." Our thoughts: The four-song collection is not so memorable on first listen, but it'll hold us over until Tuesday's Central Park show -- and until "Want Two" ever finds its way onto record store shelves.

4. Finally, the Governor's parents submit this belated, paraphrased report from Simon & Garfunkel at the Save Mart Center: "Dear Governor, the show was outstanding. They played all the hits, and at one point their opening act, the Everly Brothers, came out and joined them to perform 'Bye Bye Love.'" Obviously, the Governor's parents were sitting nowhere near this craigslist poster, who chastises the drunk people behind him/her for slurring throughout the entire $80+ concert. Or maybe that WAS the Governor's parents. Developing …

(***NOTE: Not a baby photo of Kevin Federline.)