We keed, we keed…

Here's some text from Al Sharpton's real speech, which rocked the DNC Wednesday (and was a mere 14 minutes longer than what was scripted!):

"The promise of America is government that does not seek to regulate your behavior in the bedroom but to guarantee your right to provide food in the kitchen.

"The promise of America is that we stand for human rights - whether it's fighting slavery in Sudan, AIDS in Lesotho, or police brutality in this country.

"The promise of America is one immigration policy for all who seek to enter our shores, whether they come from Mexico, Haiti, or Canada.

"The promise of America is that every citizen's vote is counted and protected, and election schemes do not decide elections."

Meanwhile, another quote of the night came from former presidential punchline Michael Dukakis, discussing the Republicans' "Massachusetts Liberal" label: "If they're so hung up on Massachusetts, why do they all want to send their kids to school here?"

(Editor's Note: Fresyes national affairs correspondent 559 por Vida is on location in Boston, where he sent this dispatch from the DNC as counterprogramming for those who read the NY Post. Hey Post ... You and Andrea Peyser and Mallard Fillmore can all suggggit.)

Welcome to the Democratic Revolution. If I were to have told you Monday that the most moving and profound political convention speech in American politics since Mario Cuomo's masterpiece in 1992 was delivered by a 42-year-old Illinois State Senator, you would have looked at me like I'd just elected Bubba Skinner mayor. Keynote speaker Barack Obama (Barack the Blessed, per the National Review) took the stage at the Democratic National Convention last night a relatively unknown character. This morning, Barack Obama has gone from anonymity to being a prominent figurehead of the Democratic party.

He's got the fire.

Obama's story is a microcosm of the American dream. His father was a Kenyan immigrant, his mother from Kansas. Former Editor of the Harvard Law Review (which PBS's Jim Lehrer last night credited as the only job harder to get than President of the United States), Obama's political career has exploded through his embrace of an inclusive populist platform. He won his seat for Illinois State Senate by an unthinkable margin ... he received 53% of the vote in a six-candidate race. That, my friends, is what we call a South Side Chicago ASS WHUPPIN'. He became the only candidate for US Senate from Illinois after Perv-O Jack Ryan's abrupt and disgraceful departure earlier this year. (Ed. note: The Fresyes Editorial Board does, however, give Ryan points for hookin' up with Seven of Nine in the first place.) Hey Illinois Republicans...I dare you to run against him...I DARE YOU.

I used to think that Terry McAuliffe was an idiot. Well, if he had anything to do with booking an unknown State Senator from Illinois as keynote speaker, we're cool Terry. You've earned some stripes. Last night's speech has been widely regarded as the rallying cry for the 2004 Democrats. If you missed it...here are some highlights:

"...I'm not talking about blind optimism here-the almost willful ignorance that thinks unemployment will go away if we just don't talk about it, or the health care crisis will solve itself if we just ignore it. No, I'm talking about something more substantial. It's the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs...

"There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America. The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States.

"The skinny kid with the funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too."

How unfortunate that the major television networks chose not to cover last night's performance. Thank god for public television.

"Strength and wisdom are not opposing values."

-Bill Clinton

And did anyone see Ben Affleck on "Crossfire" last night? Surprisingly, he was not an idiot. ... but he came off like a high-school debate champ overly eager to jump into politics. Expect those Affleck campaign posters shortly. Meanwhile, this just in: Al Sharpton is a pimp.

In the pantheon of big-screen romances, theirs has become an instant classic: Kip and LaFawnduh. The passion of their chat-room relationship burns up the scenes in "Napoleon Dynamite." And as fate would have it, the leading man is a Fresnan.

Actor-director Aaron Ruell, 28, a 1994 Clovis West graduate, joined up with a couple buddies from BYU (director Jared Hess and actor Jon Heder) to costar in "Dynamite" as Napoleon's geeked-out bro Kip, who morphs from mustachioed pipsqueak to bling-bling hustla. The film was a crowd fave at the Sundance Film Festival and is now a cult hit in theaters.

Fresyes recently scored a Q&A with Ruell, who's married to his editor, Yuka, and is currently living "in the mellow town of Pasadena." His next gig will be as director, for his feature "Warm Blue Day."

So, how long did you live in the 'No?
I lived in Fresno till I was 12. We lived right in the middle of the Tower District. Then my parents built a house in the country of Clovis, which is where I lived till I moved out at 19.

Did you go straight to BYU after high school?
I went on a mission -- I'm Mormon -- to Guatemala when I was 19. Got back, went to a semester at Fresno State, then transferred to the film program at BYU. That's where I met up with Jared. We did everything together up there -- always worked on each other's films. He actually introduced me to my wife, and three years later, we returned the favor by introducing him to who would later become his wife.

So for the part of Kip, were you his first choice?
Jared wrote the part of Kip for me and forced me to play it.

Are you anything like Kip in real life? Fan of chat rooms, maybe? Time travel?
Everyone's got a little bit of Kip in them. But Kip is partially based on my real-life little brother. The time-machine scene really happened, down to the crystals.

Did you ever expect "Napoleon Dynamite" to end up like this? Sundance alone must have been wild…
No, nobody involved with the film ever thought it would be one of "the" films at Sundance, let alone get into the festival. It was really surreal. Here was this festival we had been to a number of times as normal "movie goers," and then to be part of it all was so weird and odd and nice.

"Napoleon" is based in rural Preston, Idaho. Any similarities between there and a certain hometown?
A little bit. Clovis is a really country-like town. I mean, we've got a rodeo, right? Big Hat Days? So it was somewhat similar, but Preston was like Clovis times 100. That place was pretty hardcore.

How many times did you get slapped for that early scene with Napoleon (Jon Heder)?
Not too many. Jon's a pansy boy. … No, Jon was pretty mellow with his slaps. It was the Rex Kwon Do scenes that messed me up. (Actor Diedrich) Bader slapped the crap out of me in that scene.

So you're also a director. What's "Warm Blue Day" about?
It's about an old blind man and a young girl who each have very different addictions, and how, through this odd friendship that they strike up, how they help each other deal with these addictions. Sounds sappy, but I promise it's not.

Jared is one of my producers on that. We hope to be in production on that by year's end or early next year.

Ok, quick: Blackbeard's or Clovis Lakes?
Clovis Lakes, but back when it was only four waterslides and "The Rampage." And you parked in a big dirt lot.

Jerry Tarkanian or Boyd Grant?
Tark the Shark.

Name your favorite Fresno hangout.
I always liked the chicken pie shop.