The Governor will be away for two weeks as he heads out on a diplomatic mission to Munich and Paris (aka "The Fresno of Europe"). Until his return, stalwart Fresyes correspondent 559 por Vida will be posting occasional rants to keep you all entertained ... or, at worst, mildly amused.

Meantime, all of you within three hours driving distance of Fresno MUST go see Earlimart and Grandaddy play Tokyo Garden on Wednesday night, in a special benefit show for music education organized by Fresno Famous.

Holy crap, that's gonna rock.

1. Who says company loyalty is dead? Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone, a self-described "liberal democrat," boldly dismisses his own personal conscience and endorses Bush for president, saying, "I look at the election from what's good for Viacom. I vote for what's good for Viacom."

Kerry supporters couldn't ask for a better endorsement, especially after Redstone spouted this gem: "I don't want to denigrate Kerry," he went on, "but from a Viacom standpoint, the election of a Republican administration is a better deal. Because the Republican administration has stood for many things we believe in, deregulation and so on. The Democrats are not bad people. ... But from a Viacom standpoint, we believe the election of a Republican administration is better for our company."

This reminds us of recent comments by one of our unnamed friends, whose company (which shall also go unnamed) clearly benefits from a Republican administration. "Sad to say, but I'm voting with my wallet," the unnamed person admitted.

So, in the spirit of selling off your vote to please your employer, we here at Fresyes would like to formally endorse Britney Spears for president. (Yes, the First Husband allegedly had his "young and irresponsible" days, but we know voters don't mind.)

2. Explained: Why Rilo Kiley left Saddle Creek Records. (via Coolfer)

3. Sometimes we get jealous of Fresno Famous because they hired the 1960s-era Goldie Hawn to pose on their website. Then again, sometimes we're glad we didn't.

We keed. We keed. We've officially added Unspun to our list of permalinks, provided he promises not to verbally undress us.

1. We don't own this yet, but the press is throwing big piles of love on Walking Concert, the new band from Walter Schreifels, he of Quicksand/Gorilla Biscuits/Rival Schools fame. Meanwhile, J. Robbins (he of Jawbox/Burning Airlines) also is back with another spinoff, Channels, which got some critical brown-nosing from Ben Gibbard in this weekend's NY Times.

2. Following up on news first revealed to Fresyes back in March, Fresno Famous interviews a Taco Bell employee at First & Nees for his thoughts on the latest album by San Francisco indie-pop band Citizens Here & Abroad -- whose frontwoman, Adrienne Robillard, went to Hoover High and once worked at that same Taco Bell.

So what does "Jerry" think of the disc? "Whoa. It's kinda like the Vines when they really play heavy."

That's good, Jerry, but a better answer would have been: "This band's melodies are layered, complex and satisfying -- much like our Nachos BellGrande."

3. It's about time service journalism started showing up on blogs: How to avoid getting raped in jail. (via the incomparable Tony Pierce)

4. I preferred the Terry Gross vs. Gene Simmons smackdown, but then again, you can really feel the sexual tension between the NPR babe and Bill O'Reilly.

1. Just when you thought you had your fill of hidden or false documents, it now appears that Dan Rather has signed on as executive editor of Us Weekly. His shocking wedding expose is here. BUT, dear readers, Fresyes has discovered that the cheese puff fingerprints on the pre-nup paperwork do not match those of one Britney Spears. We smell conspira… ehhhh, who gives a shit.

2. Well, well, well … Look who came crawling back to the United Nations. The news that abusive ex-boyfriend George Bush is now begging the world for help with Iraq may have been overshadowed in recent days by "What's the Frequency, Kenneth," so we thought we'd point it out. In truth, we probably wouldn't have noticed either, except there was a line of trucks and taxis clogging Third Avenue leading up to the United Nations yesterday. (Fun time-waster: Predict which vehicle has the dirty bomb!) Meantime, we'll just wait and see if Bush's arrogant, vague banalities about "spreading freedom" cause the world to hand over lots of money and troops.

3. Trouble … Oh, trouble please be kind. To mourn Cat Stevens's deportation from the United States, download Kristin Hersh's cover of Cat's "Harold & Maude" classic, "Trouble." (Much love to Copy, Right.) UPDATE: We just realized this bootleg is really crappy, but Beestung has plenty more where that came from.

1. When I heard that the Governor was making an appearance in Fresno, I thought for sure there was another bingo night planned, but it turns out they were talking about the other Governor. Dang. "... Gov. Schwarzenegger, the keynote speaker, came through the back and was never seen in public."

(Ed. note: We don't like to make fun of our governor that much. Not because we like his politics, but because of that scene in "Pumping Iron" when he's smoking a joint and wearing the shirt that says "ARNOLD ES NUMERO UNO." We should all hope to have that much cool.)

2. In a brilliant display of capitalist fortitude, Russian assult-weaponeers Kalashnakov have expanded their Fall line to meet consumer demand. The designers most famous for their uber-sexy AK-47 have decided that the strength of the Kalashnakov brand is far too valuable to be wasted on weapons alone. Lt. Gen. Mikhail Kalashnikov, who invented the AK-47 after being shot by German soldiers during World War II, said Monday he wanted to continue "the good name" of his gun. "I've always wanted to improve and expand on the good name of my weapon by doing good things," he told Reuters Television. "So we decided to create a vodka under my name. And we wanted that vodka to be better than anything made, up until now, in both Russia and England."

I have no idea what a punchline might be for this story. It's so ridiculous that it's un-punchlineable.

3. Six weeks out from the election and it's poll-itics as usual. Turns out we're not the only ones skeptical about the constant barrage of bullshit poll information. As Newsday columnist Jimmy Breslin points out, "Anybody who believes these national political polls are giving you facts is a gullible fool." His argument? Apparently pollsters have chosen to ignore the 169 million cell phones that exist in this country. Well, the Guv and I conducted a scientific poll of our own after hearing this story and here are the results (margin of error +/- zero):

-Percentage of likely voters polled who use a cell phone: 100%
-Percentage of likely voters polled who use a land line: 0%
-Percentage who had a land line in 2000, but have since replaced it with a cell phone: 100%

4. Although bred for its powers in magic, the liger has been known to use that magic for evil. Learn how to protect yourself.

5. Finally, you've probably already seen this site, but it's so flippin sweet that we thought you'd like to be linked to it ... now. Ninjas vs. Pirates ... discuss.

Congrats to the happy couple. Guess this means our local paparazzi don't have to stake out Grand Occasions anymore. (Photo ganked from Stereogum.)

Also, a quick note to the jackasses at Star magazine: There is no Journey song called "City by the Bay." We presume you mean Britney and Kevin danced to "Lights" -- but either way, it's nice to know Steve Perry was there in spirit.

559 would like to wish a happy New Year to Fresno's lone Jewish family. You know who you are.

1. Separated at Birth: Pat Hill and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Says former Bee-man Adrien Wojnarowski: "He doesn't play that wild WAC football, but the kind of hellacious hitting that they would've loved at Washington, where Hill just took a 2-by-4 upside the Huskies' heads." Heyyyooooo!

2. Separated at Death: Oh dear god. (via Defamer)

3. Attention hipsters: Are you over the cell phone thing yet?

4. Hey Mrs. Bush: You didn't answer her question. A woman whose 24-year-old son died in Iraq disrupted a rally today, wearing a T-shirt saying "President Bush You Killed My Son." The ultra-classy Secret Service then cuffed her and put her in the back of a police van.

5. On a brighter note, Avril Lavigne is purportedly gettin' hitched. And no, the lucky boi isn't a Fresnan.

6. Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan can outdrink Michael Eisner, but 10 years as Alan Thicke's TV daughter has made Tracey Gold a gimlet swilling force to be reckoned with. Still, she can't top Lindsay when it comes to drunken hotel lounge karaoke. She's HUGE in Japan.

Finally, a special hello to our newest fans, the staff at Conde Nast publishing in Los Angeles. We told you guys, Fresyes is NOT for sale, so tell Newhouse to stop pestering us. And Deanna, the reason we never write anything about Merced should be fairly obvious: 209 is hella weak.

1. Not to harp on Fresno State football this week, but for anyone trying to keep the Bulldogs from catching a case of "Premature BCS-ulation," please remove all nearby copies of the latest Sports Illustrated. The mag contends that, if you dumped the preseason rankings and judged the teams solely by their performance, Fresno State would deserve to be No. 10 in the country. That said, we here at Fresyes are leading our own community drive to keep everyone's heads unswollen at least until the players hit the blue turf. So, if you see a Bulldog player at your nearby 7-11, tell them they suck. (We don't need to remind you to do this from a safe distance.)

On a related note, we're patiently waiting for Boise State to recruit Matthew Barney for Oct. 23 halftime show.

2. Maybe you've seen this already. President Bush is not a doctor, but he knows what it means to "play doctor."

1. Texas Rangers reliever Frank Francisco says: "Throw a big folding chair into the Oakland stands … and aim for the lady's nose."



2. Angry old Republican man says: "Grab yourself a nice, big chunk of hair."

1. Just when crime rates hit a 30-year low, the government decides to celebrate by bending over for the NRA. The federal assault weapons ban officially lapsed today, and the list of now-legalized semi-automatic weapons reads like a rundown of guest rappers on the new 213 album: TEC-9, Uzi, modified MAC-10s and Street Sweepers are among the weapons that hunters can expect to find in their local Wal-Mart this Christmas. I myself prefer to shoot skeet with an AK, sucka.

2. This weekend's award for rapid backpedaling goes to Fresno Bee columnist John Branch, who opened the season with a bizarre rant criticizing Pat Hill because the Bulldogs coach wanted his team to actually win every game this season. How dare he. "In a more practical sense," Branch wrote, "the BCS-or-bust mantra sucks the fun out of the fall once the first loss comes, which it does in all but the rarest of seasons." But now that the Dogs have kicked Kansas State's ass and scored a No. 19 ranking, Branch is back on the bandwagon. Welcome back, Johnny boy. Like Steve Perry says, "Don't stop believin'… until Portland State scores an upset."

3. Question of the day: Is it really a gift if you receive a Pontiac?

4. Denise Richards is appearing nude in Playboy, thanks to some sober encouragement from her husband, the "Ma-Sheen." Maybe we'll even watch "Two and Half Men" to congratulate him.

5. Obligatory Earlimart news: They've been picked as a "Band to Watch" by Rolling Stone. Aaron Espinoza tells the mag that their new disc, "Treble and Tremble," was affected heavily by the death of Elliott Smith, who recorded at their Ship studios in Eagle Rock. "Most of the record is about Elliott Smith," Espinoza says. "I lived about 10 feet from his house. He needed someone around to remind .him that 'Hey, it's OK.' He was incredibly intelligent, really kind and a genius musically."

6. We've added a couple permalinks, most notably a Santa Barbarian by way of Fresno, and the magnificent design whizzes at Think Inkless.

The Fresyes staff is back in New York and still reeling from the frenzy that was Kevin Federline's Bachelor Bingo Bash. Full update coming later, but special thanks to everyone who showed up, and big-time luv to party hosts Fresno Famous, Greytank Records, the Bearded Heckler Guy and the Mexican restaurant that gave me heartburn at 3 a.m.

Congrats also to the night's biggest Bingo winner, everyone's favorite downtown yoga master, Katie Flinn. She now owns an unironic Fresyes trucker hat to help her with her pranayama.

1. Hey, cut the guy some slack, wouldja? He was married to Britney Spears for 18 minutes, then she dumped him for a Fresnan. How would you feel? "You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!" (via S'Gum)

2. Back to respectable journalism ... seems that our president is about to have some uncomfortable questions to answer regarding his military record.

3. Our attorney just so happens to live across the street from our new favorite Hollywood must-have actor...David Bowe. That's right. Bob from "UHF." It comes from reputable sources that he's got 7 cats in his bathtub and once yelled "penis" at the top of his lungs at Mortons Steakhouse in Downtown Los Angeles...just to win a bet. That's our guy. Furthermore, the Fresyes Editorial Board has been hired to write Mr. Bowe's BIO. Which, not long after his triumphant return to Hollywood elite status, will lead to his memoirs, I'm quite certain.

4. If any readers are in Santa Barbara rather than Fresno this weekend, 559 por Vida is hosting his own shindig -- the world's largest sloshball game at Tuckers Grove Park at 1 pm on Sunday.

Here it is, people. Sunday night. Club Fred in Fresno. Join two media powerhouses (that's us and Fresno Famous) as we rock you with big beats, booze and bingo.

Meantime, here's a hot new MP3 that's blowin' up the New York club scene. Maybe DJ Dolphin Failure will break this down Sunday night. "Total! Global! Integration!"



(*Bring Your Own Whipped Cream and Strippers)