559 would like to wish a happy New Year to Fresno's lone Jewish family. You know who you are.

1. Separated at Birth: Pat Hill and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Says former Bee-man Adrien Wojnarowski: "He doesn't play that wild WAC football, but the kind of hellacious hitting that they would've loved at Washington, where Hill just took a 2-by-4 upside the Huskies' heads." Heyyyooooo!

2. Separated at Death: Oh dear god. (via Defamer)

3. Attention hipsters: Are you over the cell phone thing yet?

4. Hey Mrs. Bush: You didn't answer her question. A woman whose 24-year-old son died in Iraq disrupted a rally today, wearing a T-shirt saying "President Bush You Killed My Son." The ultra-classy Secret Service then cuffed her and put her in the back of a police van.

5. On a brighter note, Avril Lavigne is purportedly gettin' hitched. And no, the lucky boi isn't a Fresnan.

6. Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan can outdrink Michael Eisner, but 10 years as Alan Thicke's TV daughter has made Tracey Gold a gimlet swilling force to be reckoned with. Still, she can't top Lindsay when it comes to drunken hotel lounge karaoke. She's HUGE in Japan.

Finally, a special hello to our newest fans, the staff at Conde Nast publishing in Los Angeles. We told you guys, Fresyes is NOT for sale, so tell Newhouse to stop pestering us. And Deanna, the reason we never write anything about Merced should be fairly obvious: 209 is hella weak.

1. Not to harp on Fresno State football this week, but for anyone trying to keep the Bulldogs from catching a case of "Premature BCS-ulation," please remove all nearby copies of the latest Sports Illustrated. The mag contends that, if you dumped the preseason rankings and judged the teams solely by their performance, Fresno State would deserve to be No. 10 in the country. That said, we here at Fresyes are leading our own community drive to keep everyone's heads unswollen at least until the players hit the blue turf. So, if you see a Bulldog player at your nearby 7-11, tell them they suck. (We don't need to remind you to do this from a safe distance.)

On a related note, we're patiently waiting for Boise State to recruit Matthew Barney for Oct. 23 halftime show.

2. Maybe you've seen this already. President Bush is not a doctor, but he knows what it means to "play doctor."

1. Texas Rangers reliever Frank Francisco says: "Throw a big folding chair into the Oakland stands … and aim for the lady's nose."



2. Angry old Republican man says: "Grab yourself a nice, big chunk of hair."

1. Just when crime rates hit a 30-year low, the government decides to celebrate by bending over for the NRA. The federal assault weapons ban officially lapsed today, and the list of now-legalized semi-automatic weapons reads like a rundown of guest rappers on the new 213 album: TEC-9, Uzi, modified MAC-10s and Street Sweepers are among the weapons that hunters can expect to find in their local Wal-Mart this Christmas. I myself prefer to shoot skeet with an AK, sucka.

2. This weekend's award for rapid backpedaling goes to Fresno Bee columnist John Branch, who opened the season with a bizarre rant criticizing Pat Hill because the Bulldogs coach wanted his team to actually win every game this season. How dare he. "In a more practical sense," Branch wrote, "the BCS-or-bust mantra sucks the fun out of the fall once the first loss comes, which it does in all but the rarest of seasons." But now that the Dogs have kicked Kansas State's ass and scored a No. 19 ranking, Branch is back on the bandwagon. Welcome back, Johnny boy. Like Steve Perry says, "Don't stop believin'… until Portland State scores an upset."

3. Question of the day: Is it really a gift if you receive a Pontiac?

4. Denise Richards is appearing nude in Playboy, thanks to some sober encouragement from her husband, the "Ma-Sheen." Maybe we'll even watch "Two and Half Men" to congratulate him.

5. Obligatory Earlimart news: They've been picked as a "Band to Watch" by Rolling Stone. Aaron Espinoza tells the mag that their new disc, "Treble and Tremble," was affected heavily by the death of Elliott Smith, who recorded at their Ship studios in Eagle Rock. "Most of the record is about Elliott Smith," Espinoza says. "I lived about 10 feet from his house. He needed someone around to remind .him that 'Hey, it's OK.' He was incredibly intelligent, really kind and a genius musically."

6. We've added a couple permalinks, most notably a Santa Barbarian by way of Fresno, and the magnificent design whizzes at Think Inkless.