From the NY Times…

To the Editor:

I see little to celebrate in the 100-year anniversary of the New York subway system. We are still paying higher fares, and the train I ride most frequently, the F, is frequently rerouted on weekends and late nights for ostensible construction, while I haven't seen any discernible improvement in service in the last eight years.

The terrible shrieking brakes only become more shrill, the station platforms are often filthy with decades of caked chewing gum, the announcements are often undecipherable because of faulty audio equipment, various peddlers are permitted to roam the cars freely harassing passengers, and the newer trains run only on a few lines.

The subway systems in Paris and Toronto are far superior, as is the Metro in Washington. One might as well celebrate the precarious hundred-year-old plumbing or electrical wiring in one's brownstone.

Eric W. Kuns
Brooklyn, Oct. 27, 2004

***

In other news:

1. I recently dusted off the old Guns N' Roses "Use Your Illusion" albums, and dammit if Shannon Hoon and Axl Rose weren't the greatest vocal duo since the Righteous Brothers. Now, in a bit of cosmic alignment, Copy, Right has posted a cover of Mogwai doing "Don't Cry," from the beloved Peel Sessions. They get points for the effort.

2. Go try to make friends with Tara Reid's top-heavy sister. Here's her Friendster profile.

3. He's not in Maroon 5. But his name is Adam Levine. This is his story. (via Coolfer)

(Ed. Note: I'm the Governor, and I not only approve this message, I think it's awesome.)

We're not gonna be that blog and write up a crappy, bloated endorsement full of arguments we cribbed from The New Yorker, so we're just gonna give it straight to you (in case it wasn't already obvious): We're endorsing John Kerry for president.

Knowing that there are a good seven or eight readers who rely on Fresyes to make all their tough decisions for them, we don't take this endorsement lightly. But we do have this little guiding principle in life, in which we believe failure should not be rewarded. That includes failure to plan, failure to take responsibility for your mistakes and failure to be honest with your constituents.

So, it's time to give someone else a chance to screw everything up. Let's see what you've got, Johnny Boy. Do it. Do it.

Meanwhile, our favorite newspaper endorsement this week comes from the Denver Post, which endorses Bush with these reassuring words: "(Bush) squandered global good will by taking a 'my way or the highway' approach to matters of global warming, international law, Iraq weapons inspections and ultimately the Iraq invasion. He bows to corporate preference in matters of energy and environment, and his education funding levels leave far too many children behind." There ya have it, Bush-lovers! Get out there and vote Nov. 3!

In honor of Jon Stewart's thorough bitchslapping of Tucker Carlson on Friday's "Crossfire," we at Fresyes thought that it was about time that someone pay homage to those brave enough to stand up for what they believe in, no matter what the mainstream of society might think. Men with the courage and resolve to rise above the status quo, fight off a world full of critics, and take their place as the rightful champions of our great society. That's right folks...today Fresyes honors...dickheads who wear bow-ties. Honorees include, but are not limited to the following:

1. Orville Redenbacher and Colonel "Cocksucker" Sanders (never buy anything from a guy in a bow tie.)
2. Strom Thurmond, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis (why is the bow tie such a must-have accessory for racist dicks?)
3. Louis Farrakhan (someone tell this dick that he wears the same ties as the dicks in #2)
4. Our 11th grade English teacher (take yer dangling modifiers and shove em! Look at us now! Dick!)
5. Raj from The Apprentice 2 (seriously, who is this dick kidding?)

All joking aside, we at Fresyes would like to extend a sincere thank you to Jon Stewart. We too are all spun out.

This just in from the AP wire: Fresno tops another list. Hoooray!

Say hello to the nation's capital of intravenous drug use.

I would make a joke about this, but I can't think of anything funny to say about this topic.

Here, the Governor meets with Bam Margera and other high-level officials during a summit in Venice, Italy, for G.A.P.P. (Global Anti-Pigeon Proliferation). After hours of discussions in St. Mark's Square, the governing body was unanimous in deciding that pigeons are, in fact, "rats with wings."

Fresyes is back and will get back to posting more useless crap once this jetlag wears off. Big thanks to 559 por Vida for dissecting the debates, Tiger Woods and Star Jones during my absence.

1. This week, Tiger "used to be #1" Woods married Swedish model Elin Nordegren at a private ceremony in Barbados. Among those in attendance were talkshow maven Oprah Winfrey, retired NBA legends Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan, and...ahem...Hootie.

"The rock group Hootie and the Blowfish performed under a tent at the "19th hole," a garden area of the Green Monkey golf course, witnesses said. Then fireworks lit up the night sky along Barbados' west coast. "

What, was "Huey Lewis and the News" booked already?

2. It's a sad day for smartasses everywhere. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield passed away at the age of 82 of complications from heart surgery.

"A woman asked me, Rodney, do you smoke after sex? I said, I dunno, I never looked.Then she asked me if my wife smoked after sex. I said, I dunno, she never called.."

3. Everyone knows that Atkins is lame...but let it not be said that ridiculous diet fads don't sometimes yield hilarious results. Krispy Kreme was forced to close it's $4.6 million Ravello, Ohio plant due to financial woes resulting from the low-carb diet craze.

4. Well, it's that time again...the Big Fresno Fair has opened! The Fair, or as our former high school history teacher used to call it, the best place to get knifed on a midway, is expected to attract upwards of 500,000 people this year. That's a shitload of the little dog-less dog leashes, silkscreened Oakland Raiders mirrors, and good clean family fun.

1. VP Debate tonight. We at Fresyes are proud to announce our brand spanking new "Spin Projectionator Machine", and it tells us without a doubt that Begala and Franken are going to think that John Edwards won, while Novak and Hannity will think that Dick Cheney won. Janeane Garofalo will find herself helplessly in love with the Vice President, because she can't say no to the bad boys.

2. Network television, we hereby sentence you to death by acronym. CSI (don't forget CSI: NY), SVU, NCIS, LAX....BFD!

Well, love 'em or hate 'em, the two presidential candidates squared off last week in the first of three presidential debates. Even after the 32 pages of "thou shalt nots" that the candidates had to sign, it's the official position of the Fresyes editorial board that Kerry flogged Bush like a dusty rug. But don't let us sway you, we'll leave that to EVERY STINKING PARTISON IDIOT ON THE PLANET. Please! We're all spun out! Hmm...where can we go for an objective opinion? I know! Let's ask the Swedes what they think!
(If you're interested, here's the debate)

Here's some Class Action for you...
Why, Justice Scalia...I never knew you to be so...adventurous.

Kuuumbayaaaa my lord...KUUUMBAYAAAA!!
Can't make this up. Ten Kenyan inmates broke out into song yesterday to distract guards as they were breaking out of prison. Let's do our best to make sure that this idea doesn't get anywhere near Corcoran State Prison...I hear this guy likes to sing.

tastes like matrimony!

Today we honor our favorite Babar-like talkshow bride, Star Jones. I'm not sure, but I always thought that weddings were really expensive for those who were getting married, not the people working there. Turns out that Star is demanding that stylists and other product manufacturers pay her for appearing at her ridiculous wedding.

Dear Jesus...please help our phones
Ok, we all know that Fresno's got some crime. Like, lots of crime. So you'd think that the last thing you'd want is a decrepid, bought-from-Sanford-and-Son 911 call system. Umm...no.

"It's on its last leg, and they're basically holding it together with duct tape," sheriff's Capt. Tom Gattie said. "We're kind of living on a wing and a prayer here."

I just can't get enough of these violence at your desk job games. (a la charles)

I wonder if this is enough for republicans to start experimenting with the marijuana? Bill O'Reilly is king douche. IT'S OFFICIAL!