(Ed. Note: 559 por Vida wrote this "blow-by-blow" account of election night, but he was too drunk to post it. We're publishing it in its entirety to remind you of that brighter, more innocent time when there was hope that good might defeat evil. But as Dark Helmet said in "Spaceballs": "Evil will always win because good is dumb.")

Herewith:

4:58pm: Why on earth am I still sitting here? I haven’t done a smidge of work for 2 hours at least and Kerry just picked up Vermont. It sucks being a Democrat in the United States…not because of the politics, but because of the colored maps. Republican states look like crotch rot.

5:33pm: Had to stop by the market and grab some beer. I’m starting to get the jitters. I told my friend Cevin that he’s not invited to come over tonight because I might hit him with a broken bottle. Cevin thinks everything is funny. Kerry kills in Illinois.

5:41pm: Just realized that I’ve never cared so much about Ohio in my entire life.

6:18pm: I’m really enjoying how frightened all of these morons on TV are to be the first to say anything. “Remember that you didn’t hear it here.” Jesus, people are chickenshit. But I guess that if you screw the pooch as bad as they did in 2000, you tend to err on the side of caution.

6:40pm: Just traded my roommate a few beers for dinner. Raviolis are excellent with politics.

7:00pm: Bush kept Missouri. Oh well, that would have been a stretch. No polls closing for another hour … I wonder what else is on …

7:06pm: Man, I really love Full House. Not all the episodes, but the one where the Tanners go to Hawaii and get to jam with the Beach Boys. Don’t f---ing judge me, you’ve all seen it.

7:31pm: Jeff Greenfield just referred to ARkansas as arKANSAS. I don’t know what to say about this. Did he just come up with that? Should we change the pronunciation of Bakersfield to baKERSFIELD?

7:55pm: Fuck Ohio.

7:56pm: Ohio, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.

8:01pm: Kerry takes Pennsylvania. Starting to feel better. Watching early returns is a bummer because all the districts that report early are two-horse towns who always vote Republican … is "The Real World" on tonight?

8:22pm: How the shit did John Kerry lose Florida? …He gave back thousands of votes from 2000. Dammit. This is not looking good.

8:23pm: "The Real World" is on tonight. Reality … sweet, sweet reality … rescue me.

9:11pm: Just realized that I forgot to watch "The Daily Show" tonight. I think listening to Wolf Blitzer try to be smart is almost as funny though.

9:42pm: MSNBC just called Ohio for Bush. The mistake by the lake rears its ugly head.

9:43pm: Wait a minute, CNN has just labeled Ohio as a green state…do you think they did that just to screw with Ralph Nader? Too close to call. Whatevs. 17 minutes ‘til "The Real World."

10:04pm: Carville just said that Kerry needs a “double inside straight” to win. Furthermore, if I hear another Red Sox reference I’m going to shit pinstripes.

10:18pm: Okay, 11 states have voted down gay marriage legislation at this point, Bush has a Jefferson Davis-like hold over the South, and the exit polls are telling us that voters are choosing morality as their key voting issue. Rove, et al, have used fundamentalist church people as the cavalry. It’s official. We’re in Salem, and they’re burning us at the stake.

10:19pm: Sorry about that, I’m allergic to the rapture.

10:30pm: Wait a sec…Measure Z passed in Fresno! The Zoo is saved! Maybe we can get the little girl named Angel to campaign for the Democrats.

10:41pm: Just had an awful thought…Patriot Act II.

11:00pm: Going to bed. Hoping to wake up surprised, but my money is on depressed. America…what happens when 290 million strangers are picked to live in a country, stop being polite, and start being…gulp…real.

John Kerry hasn't conceded yet (UPDATE: Wait, nevermind. It's over), but we can all do the math -- and it ain't pretty.

Congratulations to George W. Bush, Karl Rove and all the evangelical Christians of the Midwest and South that turned out to the polls. It's gotta be the "Apocalypse Vote" that put Bush over the top: Perhaps the 700 Club faithful are clamoring for a Holy War with Islam to finally lead them to the promised land. Perhaps they spent too much time at "Hell House" over Halloween weekend. I don't know. Both of these theories seem more reasonable than simply saying that 51 percent of Americans are too uninformed to realize what a failure this president has been, both at war and at home. Or that a record 58.3 million voters picked born-again Bush just because of that $300 tax refund. The Republican party has been co-opted by radical religious extremists -- and guess what? It's a successful political strategy. (It also didn't help that the Democrats nominated a Catholic from Massachusetts.) So, for the next four years, the Northeast and the West Coast can only sit and wonder what kind of Kool-Aid they're drinking in the flyover territory. And all you "Security Moms" in Ohio can sleep well at night knowing that your suburb is well below New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, D.C. and Philadelphia (who all, coincidentally, voted for Kerry) on the terrorist-attack wish list.

But we at Fresyes don't want to sound bitter. The sun is shining in New York, and unlike yesterday, we're not expecting any bomb scares at our office building today.

Peace be with you.