1. Found on the front page of the New York Daily News: Smoking hot Sports Illustrated supermodel nearly killed in Asia tsunami. Meanwhile, Oprah's frequent guest has his own harrowing story from the disaster. Oh, and more than 44,000 people may also be dead. Nothing like the U.S. media desperately searching for that "white person" angle. Matt Drudge, meanwhile, likes to take a subtler, more Biblical approach: declaring that "the apocalypse is nigh." Be on the lookout for "locust swarm" stories, coming soon.

To donate to the relief effort, go here.

2. Fresno State pulled off a thrilling 37-34 overtime win against No. 18 Virginia Monday night in the "Eh, At Least It's Better Than the Silicon Valley" Bowl, (aka the MPC Computers Bowl). The Bee declares the win bigger than the 1992 Freedom Bowl win against USC, but it sounds to us like they're just polishing a turd. Until FSU stops choking, goes undefeated and gets to a real big-time bowl, beating ranked teams in fringe-dwelling postseason matchups will no longer get us excited. Our standards are higher than they were 12 years ago.

3. We've added a nice new smattering of Fresno- and Central Valley-related links to the sidebar. Browse them. Love them. Drink them in.

Fresyes wishes you the happiest of non-denominational holiday celebrations.

-Guv

1. A soldier may face military discipline for having a relative shoot him in the leg to avoid returning to combat duty in Iraq.

You know, I thought there were less torturous ways to get out of active duty. (How about running off to Mexico with a new identity? Save the bullet scars and hang out at Cabo Wabo?) For a gruesome big-screen depiction of this practice, check out "A Very Long Engagement," the new French World War I movie starring "Amelie" babe Audrey Tautou. There are no less than five horrific scenes of soldiers blowing their fingers off to get a ticket out of the trenches and go back home. Also, it's one of the top films recognized this year by the Fresyes Film Critics Circle.

2. Fresnan to Publish Book: Gawker reports that Amber Frey, the Fresno massage therapist who happened to go on a date from hell, has just signed on to write a book for publisher Judith Regan (who has worked with Howard Stern and Jenna Jameson … and who got it on with Bernie Kerik). Here's the proposed cover art for the Scott Peterson tell-all. Expect more stories of strawberries, champagne, Fresno karaoke bars ... and a cold-hearted Modesto murderer.

1. FRESYES EXCLUSIVE … er, something. Here's a report from an extra who was on the set of Britney Spears's new video, "Do Something," which was shot over the weekend in L.A.:

"Britney's assistant came on the set and told everyone that Britney would like to be addressed as 'Mona' and her dog as 'Lisa.' She was carrying around that dog all day." Britney "was really nice, gracious." Meanwhile, Kevin Federline "wasn't on the set all day, he was outside smoking. He was very nice, quiet, off to himself. And he's really sexy in real life. He was complaining about all the money Britney's spending." (See: the dog's jewel-encrusted collar and specially prepared steak dinners.) Finally: "She's in this scene where she's in a tiny black bikini, but people were sent out to buy alcohol for her beforehand. We assumed it was because she was uncomfortable. She decided to end the shoot three hours early to go out clubbing with the dancers."

2. Meanwhile, here's an obit for journalist Gary Webb that does him justice.

1. A friend of a friend of a son of a son of a sailor got some up-close-and-personal time with Britney Spears and husband Kevin Fresnoline over the weekend. His/her report is coming shortly… in the meantime, here's a cruel preview: "She looked chubby." Intriguing. Can a little half-Fresnan be far off? This reporter is mildy curious.

2. Don't kill your wife and unborn child. And don't go hunting for her replacement in Fresno, for god's sake. We don't need you Modesto psychos tainting our hometown.

3. Attention "moral values" voters: You're screwed. Bernie Kerik, New York's much-loved former top cop, was "much-loved by the ladies," as it turns out. He was caught "sharing intelligence with a few too many agencies," if ya know what I mean. Kerik was found "consorting with insurgents," crossing "a few too many borders" and spending too little time "protecting the homeland," if ya get my drift. He was … eh, nevermind. What a chump. I'm going to read his autobiography right now and see if he left hidden love notes for Judith Regan.

4. Sad news: Investigative journalist Gary Webb, best known for his San Jose Mercury News exposé linking the CIA to crack sales inside the U.S., was found shot to death. The coroner has determined the cause was suicide -- this despite two gunshots to the head.

Conspiracy theories aside, I once met Webb. It was right after the flap over his Mercury News series, and a group of us invited him to speak about the story during a college journalism convention that we had hosted. Half the kids there booed and clapped at him until he stopped speaking. We thought those kids were morons.

5. Shameless Fresno promotion: Say hello to tepidity.

6. Shameless self-promotion: At long last, New York has another "The" band. Say hello to The Last. As in "the last time I had my hearing was before this concert." Artwork courtesy Fresno's own demented genius Luke Chueh.

Your favorite absentee Governor is back (momentarily), just recovering from this Ukrainian poisoning that's left me hidden under blankets and sipping herbal tea. There's plenty of stuff we've missed over the past several weeks, namely Dodgeball tournaments, illustrated instruction books on gang signs, the expansion of Fresno's blogging empire, feuds between the Fresno Bee and Fresno Famous … etc. etc. But we'll just use this post to honor the life of a metal hero, Pantera's Dimebag Darrell.

So let me ask you a question: If you were entertaining President Musharraf in Los Angeles for the weekend and he asked for you to get him the finest pastrami in the city, would you go Nate n' Als in Beverly Hills, or Johnnie's in Culver City? No pressure, remember he has nukes.

Tony! Toni! Tone! once said that it never rains is Southern California, but all three of them are liars.

Ok, now down to business. A weekend in Los Angeles with our Fresyes legal team is never complete without a number of amusing anecdotes. It's sometimes difficult to decide which to recount ... Could it be the P. Hilton "boob-flapping" sighting by B-Rad at Koi on Saturday? Nah, too cliche. What about the Hollywood A. Holes who had the nerve to make a reservation for 15 at Nate n' Als on Sunday morning, forcing myself and counsel to sit next to three agent types, which although horribly obnoxious, prompted us to pitch a great script to them...starts like this: "three agents are pummeled within an inch of their lives at Nate n' Als one sunday morning by pickles and kraut, drama insues." Sounds good right? Well, that's not the keeper. Friday night, counsel and I paid a visit to the home of our first and only celebrity endorser, David Bowe. (you know him as Bob from UHF, and Donna Martin's stalker) Kids were gone for the evening so the house was unusually craze-free. I was sitting there, minding my own business, when the Bowe's dog Buddy decided to pay me a visit. Buddy is a kind dog, good natured, great with the kids, and has a taste for large quantities of butter. How do I know this? Well, Buddy walked up and projectile vomited a 2 foot puddle of what used to be butter, dog food, and unchewed hotdogs (but mostly butter) in the vicinity of my left foot. (by "in the vicinity", I mean "on") Lawyer lost it. Apparently that's funny. Bowe said it himself, "I think that's the grossest thing I've seen in my entire life."

In a related story, I'll be auctioning off a black Converse Chuck Taylor lo-top with suspicious stains. Turns out some genius paid $475 for Celine Dion's hair extensions on an UGG boot, so Bowe's dog's puke ought to fetch me a few bucks on the open market.