1. A soldier may face military discipline for having a relative shoot him in the leg to avoid returning to combat duty in Iraq.

You know, I thought there were less torturous ways to get out of active duty. (How about running off to Mexico with a new identity? Save the bullet scars and hang out at Cabo Wabo?) For a gruesome big-screen depiction of this practice, check out "A Very Long Engagement," the new French World War I movie starring "Amelie" babe Audrey Tautou. There are no less than five horrific scenes of soldiers blowing their fingers off to get a ticket out of the trenches and go back home. Also, it's one of the top films recognized this year by the Fresyes Film Critics Circle.

2. Fresnan to Publish Book: Gawker reports that Amber Frey, the Fresno massage therapist who happened to go on a date from hell, has just signed on to write a book for publisher Judith Regan (who has worked with Howard Stern and Jenna Jameson … and who got it on with Bernie Kerik). Here's the proposed cover art for the Scott Peterson tell-all. Expect more stories of strawberries, champagne, Fresno karaoke bars ... and a cold-hearted Modesto murderer.

1. FRESYES EXCLUSIVE … er, something. Here's a report from an extra who was on the set of Britney Spears's new video, "Do Something," which was shot over the weekend in L.A.:

"Britney's assistant came on the set and told everyone that Britney would like to be addressed as 'Mona' and her dog as 'Lisa.' She was carrying around that dog all day." Britney "was really nice, gracious." Meanwhile, Kevin Federline "wasn't on the set all day, he was outside smoking. He was very nice, quiet, off to himself. And he's really sexy in real life. He was complaining about all the money Britney's spending." (See: the dog's jewel-encrusted collar and specially prepared steak dinners.) Finally: "She's in this scene where she's in a tiny black bikini, but people were sent out to buy alcohol for her beforehand. We assumed it was because she was uncomfortable. She decided to end the shoot three hours early to go out clubbing with the dancers."

2. Meanwhile, here's an obit for journalist Gary Webb that does him justice.

1. A friend of a friend of a son of a son of a sailor got some up-close-and-personal time with Britney Spears and husband Kevin Fresnoline over the weekend. His/her report is coming shortly… in the meantime, here's a cruel preview: "She looked chubby." Intriguing. Can a little half-Fresnan be far off? This reporter is mildy curious.

2. Don't kill your wife and unborn child. And don't go hunting for her replacement in Fresno, for god's sake. We don't need you Modesto psychos tainting our hometown.

3. Attention "moral values" voters: You're screwed. Bernie Kerik, New York's much-loved former top cop, was "much-loved by the ladies," as it turns out. He was caught "sharing intelligence with a few too many agencies," if ya know what I mean. Kerik was found "consorting with insurgents," crossing "a few too many borders" and spending too little time "protecting the homeland," if ya get my drift. He was … eh, nevermind. What a chump. I'm going to read his autobiography right now and see if he left hidden love notes for Judith Regan.

4. Sad news: Investigative journalist Gary Webb, best known for his San Jose Mercury News exposé linking the CIA to crack sales inside the U.S., was found shot to death. The coroner has determined the cause was suicide -- this despite two gunshots to the head.

Conspiracy theories aside, I once met Webb. It was right after the flap over his Mercury News series, and a group of us invited him to speak about the story during a college journalism convention that we had hosted. Half the kids there booed and clapped at him until he stopped speaking. We thought those kids were morons.

5. Shameless Fresno promotion: Say hello to tepidity.

6. Shameless self-promotion: At long last, New York has another "The" band. Say hello to The Last. As in "the last time I had my hearing was before this concert." Artwork courtesy Fresno's own demented genius Luke Chueh.