For all you New Yorkers, Saturday marks the return of our favorite comedy show, Moonwork, featuring Tom Shillue, "The Daily Show"'s Ed Helms and the rest of the yuksters. Of course, if you're short on the $15 for the open bar, you can always just head down to the Jury Pool room at 111 Centre Street, where the guy running jury duty was actually one of the funniest dudes I've seen working a microphone in some time.

Quote of the day: "Those of you who ask me questions will be first on the list for a very … long … trial."

It's been so g.d. cold and snowy in New York (and Boston, where I escaped for a tropical vacation), there was a brief moment when the Fresyes editorial board got nostalgic for tule fog. I'm crawling out of the fetal position long enough to give you some week-old updates. Forgive the delirium:

1. In case you missed this: Fresno/Clovis native Aaron Ruell, aka Kip from "Napoleon Dynamite," not only took the photos from the film, but he also has his own kick-ass website full of amazing photography. No sign of the chicken-pie shop, however. In related news, "Napoleon" director Jared Hess is behind the camera for this creepy video for the Postal Service's "We Are Silhouettes."

2. Courtney Love breaks her silence about going from junk to junk in the trunk. (via Tale of Two Cities)

3. Lots of music to catch up on: The new Bright Eyes discs are excellent, even though critics are aping The New York Times and claiming "Digital Ash in a Digital Urn" is the less impressive of the two. Don't believe the hype.

And despite the Brad&Jen-esque breakup of Josh Homme and Nick Oliveri, the new Queens of the Stone Age disc has some INSANE tracks. Other newish recommendations: Dogs Die In Hot Cars and Brendan Benson. (Go here for a free MP3.)

4. Johnny Carson died over the weekend, so here's some racist video clips from his show. (via Metafilter)

5. Yes, we're quote whores, but Chrissy's site deserves it: "Better than 'Cats!' We're going to read Waist High again and again!"

6. For those of you who go to Martin's Barber Shop in the 'No, go say hello to Steve. I'd like to nominate him as the newest addition to MenWhoLookLikeKennyRogers.com.

Yes, this is Drudge Report breaking news: Members of several high school wrestling teams in Oregon have contracted herpes after a tournament in -- that's right -- Clovis. (Actually, the Ashland, Ore., newspaper says it was in Fresno, but why do we cityfolk always have to get the creepy press?)

"We think the kids picked it up at the Clovis tournament (in Fresno)," Crater High School athletic director John Beck told the paper, effectively ruining his players' plans for prom night. "But they didn't have any symptoms. Then they went to Reno and that's when we knew we might have some problems." That's what they all say when they come back from Reno.

One item worth noting: Ashland Daily Tidings reporter Don Hunt wants to make it very clear his knowledge of herpes came from "the Herpes.com website."

(UPDATE: The Fresno Bee quotes officials from the Clovis West Canker Classic… er, Shootout, denying that their tournament spawned this herpes pandemic. Clovis West assistant Travis Mills insists that none of his players are herpin' out, and he says the tournament has been "unjustly accused" by those Oregon wrestlers -- who, we once again feel compelled to remind you, spent time in Reno.

Buchanan assistant Chris Morales defended the tournament, saying, "I know that Clovis Unified maintenance crews do a great job of wiping and mopping all district mats." No word on whether they doubled up their cleanup efforts following the 10th Annual Adult Video Star Decathlon last November… God, the jokes keep on comin'!)

1. For all of you cubicle jockeys, some new required reading: Overheard in the Office. From the people who brought you Overheard in New York. Their official first entry:

Boss: From now on, people, we're going to make Perfection our baseline.

The development team laughs.

Developer: Dude, whatever the f--k you've been reading, stop it.

2. Some much-deserved props for prolific Fresno Famous editor Jarah Euston, in the form of this FresnoBee.com Q&A. Some interesting tidbits, but the most important lesson here is: Keep talking smack about your local newspaper, and eventually they'll interview you.

3. 99 Problems vs. 99 Luft Balloons. This mash-up was long overdue. And amazingly enough, the damn thing works! (via Thighs Wide Shut)

4. The Black Crowes are reuniting for five nights in New York. I'd rather see the Robinson Bros. reunite with Jimmy Page, but I guess this beats New Earth Mud.

5. Brad & Jen Quote of the Day (aka "Great Moments in Celebrity Journalism"): "For a celebrity weekly, this is our tsunami," said Kent Brownridge, general manager of Us Weekly parent company Wenner Media. "I can't think of anything bigger than the king and queen of Hollywood breaking up."

1. Return all your Christmas gifts and buy these.

2. The new iPod Shuffle is out. Kind of neat … I guess. It's yet another cosmetic change while the rest of the world waits patiently for an iPod/Satellite radio combo. Or better yet, the brand new Apple iProduct.

3. Dramarama may have been a New Jersey band, but it's usually only L.A. people who recognize "Anything Anything" when I start humming it. Too bad, 'cause it's one of the most underrated rock songs of all time. I once worked with "Mr. E," and it's beautiful to see them rocking again.

4. If Kevin Federline launches a rap career, it is imperative -- no, make that MANDATORY -- that he cover Fugi's grammatically gangsta classic, "Sity of Fresno." If not, we will accept a collaboration with Timmy T. (via Fresno Famous.)

5. I wouldn't say we're obsessed with the Gary Webb story, but here's the last word on it, an enlightening piece from Esquire. And for your archives, here's his original "Dark Alliance" series for the Mercury News.

1. Some Tommy Tutone fanatic dialed every "867-5309" in America. While it appears Fresno has no "Jenny" at that number (559 = "Disconnected"), he got it (he got it) when dialing the 209: "Hey, this is Jenny and I'm sorry I missed your call, I'm in New York this month and should be back the middle of next month. Go ahead and leave me a message and I'll give you a call as soon as I get back. Still love you all, okay, you know it. Talk to you later, Bye."

2. There's not much left to say about Amber Frey and the Scott Peterson tell-all book. (You watch Oprah. That's all ya need.) Here's a few final bits: a.) During their blind date, they got drunk and sang "Islands in the Stream" at the karaoke bar, b.) Chapter titles from the book include "Oh My God! Laci's baby is due on my birthday!" and "Isn't that a little twisted, Scott?", and c.) On her calls from Scott, who claimed to be in Europe: "This guy is unbelievable. His wife is missing and presumed dead and he's talking about French food and big churches and cobblestones." Andrea "Columnist of the Year (Ahem)" Peyser has some pretty wicked stuff to say about Frey in today's NY Post.

3. Okay, it's official, we're giving the profits from 2004's Fresyes merch sales to CARE for tsunami relief. We sold 100 Fresyes items over the past year, from which we made $2 per sale. (We told you it was modest. Cafepress makes the bulk of the money from our sales, so it's about time to start pressuring that company to donate some of its cut, as well.)

We'll keep sending the Fresyes profits to them until Jan. 31, so feel free to buy some more shirts. Thanks to everyone who has joined the Fresyes fashion revolution.

It was the best New Year's present a Governor could ever hope for (aside from that fistful of Tylenol): Fresyes gets name-dropped on the Fresno Bee's Top 10 "Fresnish" moments of 2004... right there at No. 5. Nothing but love to columnist Mike Oz for the McClatchy ink.

We'd also like to claim partial credit for No. 4, in which Fresyes clothing became the hottest trend in the Central Valley since Z. Cavariccis and rayon shirts in the early '90s.

Speaking of Fresyes merch, we're about to do some New Year's inventory and tally up our total sales for 2004. Our initial promise was to hand over the (rather modest) profit to a Fresno charity, but would any local folks be horribly upset if we just gave it to tsunami relief efforts? We're open to recommendations, other than "The Governor's crack habit." Perhaps you know of a Fresno group giving aid to family of the victims? Talk to me, Goose.