Holy crap, I overheard myself telling someone that I "really liked" Texas, that's when I realized that I'd most likely been drugged and/or bludgeoned. In all fairness, Austin is an exception since that's where they keep all the hippies and Democrats and vegetarians. It's the Texas Tower District. We felt right at home. (Houston, on the other hand, is Fresno with L.A. traffic.)

Fresyes SXSW report goes as such: South By Southwest is good. Very good. Too good, actually. If you had any inclination of seeing all the music that you'd like to see, you'd go home irritated and disappointed (in addition to hungover, in love, and generally Texa-fied). That being said, I decided to focus on fewer performances rather than more.

Elvis Costello and the Imposters at La Zona Rosa, March 16th, 11:30pm:
Can't say enough. The guy brings it. Super high energy, fast paced, no bullshit, just good rock. When asked to describe his new band in contrast to the Attractions of old he said simply, "less hair, more face." It was a greatest-hits show, right through the catalog. Go see him, it'll do ya good. Plus he's touring with Tift Merritt, who, gentlemen, likes to wear low-cut blouses and sings real good, too.

Pedro the Lion at Emo's Annex, March 17th, 3pm:
It was middle afternoon and I heard someone say that they were playing down the street, so I bolted from the event where I was supposedly "working." Pedro the Lion wins the Fresyes "band who looks more suited for pumping gas than rocking" award. Despite their stained hoodie and bus-driver-hairdo tendencies, the show was terrific. Very subdued performance, they were feeling extra-emo that day, apparently.

Earlimart at Buffalo Billiards, March 17th, 11pm:
Guv and I, as we've mentioned briefly in the past (but sparingly enough so as to not seem name-droppy) went to school with Aaron in glorious northeast Fresno. I got a chance to say hello and catch up a little bit and threaten again to go public with the photos that I have of Aaron's first band, Ledge. I think I have a T-shirt somewhere too. Anyway, I hadn't seen Earlimart live before and they kicked my ass. It's a puzzle to me how they can orchestrate such a huge sound. They're on the forefront of indie. Combining piano-driven harmonies with fuzzed-out guitar and two drummers. Not like Deadhead-drivel two drummers, but more like "Whoa! They've got 2 drummers! Feels like I'm being enjoyably kicked in the face!" So again, go see them.

More to watch out for: The Sights (so sick of the), Teegan and Sara, The French Kicks, the "Real World: Austin" cast being pelted by lettuce while filming on 6th street, Bloc Party's overexposure nightmare, The Iron Cactus's vegan enchiladas, and when you see roads in Texas labeled "FM," it means Farm to Market. G'nite.

Qwest Communications bigwig Philip Anschutz is up to something -- and Fresno may be part of his master plan. Buried deep in Jack Shafer's Slate analysis of the megazillionaire and his upstart Examiner newspapers in San Francisco and Washington, D.C., is this little tidbit: Fresno is one of the 70 cities where Anschutz has filed a trademark application for the name "Examiner."

That's right, prepare yourselves for the Fresno Examiner.

With Anschutz's San Francisco Examiner now cleaning up its act after getting nearly run into the ground by the Fang family, and with his Washington Examiner now taking up space on upscale neighborhood porches, Shafer suggests Anschutz may be planning something much grander, much smarter, than throwing his money away on 70 local newspapers:

"As Anschutz builds his 6-percent-margin newspapers, he must realize that a business model already exists that delivers news and advertising more efficiently. Without looking like a shill for my bosses at the Washington Post Co., may I point to the washingtonpost.com and other online newspapers? No printing plants, no rolls of paper, and no delivery trucks -- just a whole lot of computers and people. You don't suppose that the newsprint Examiners are stalking horses for a nationwide network of Examiner Web sites, do you? It's no crazier a business proposition than Ted Turner's 24-hour news channel was in 1980.

So, what is the Fresno Bee doing to head off this potential online competition? Apparently, they are participating in cult-like rituals to simultaneously celebrate "casual Friday" and worship at the altar of Scoopy the Bee. Added bonus: Read in delight as Opus Bee members gripe about their photos being made public. (The Beehive editor will probably be banned from the next staff-wide honey-wrestling match, but we applaud him for his courage.)

Apologies for missing this during my "time away," but a belated adios to Mr. Fresno, Al Radka, who died March 9 at age 80. I vaguely recall appearing on Radka's "Funtime" TV show with my brother when we were little, and he was the genius behind Fresno television commercials for Oberti Olives, Lamoures cleaners (the dancing clothes, of course) and Producers dairy.

Last year, Fresyes named him our favorite TV pitchman, easily beating out OttmarThomasofToyotaVisalia, Bucky Harris and Dan Gamel. So long, and thanks for all the Hot Stove Dinners, Al.

In more pressing U.S. news, following the horribly sad developments in the Terri Schiavo case, all of you best make like Bryan and Sarah and blog your own living wills. Theirs, however, is tough to beat: "First, take a picture of my lifeless body with a naked Dallas Cowboy cheerleader and give it to the media outlets so they have something quality to flash on CNN when my right to die becomes an honest-to-goodness Federal Case."

As for me, should I achieve vegetative state prematurely, please remove the feeding tube, place Oberti olives on my fingers and take me on one last Caribbean vacation, "Weekend at Bernie's"-style. You can post the photos on Fresyes. Ask 559 for the Blogger password.

If there is any question about my vegetative state, I will morse code a signal to you, probably "S.O.S." like the guy in Metallica's "One" video.

There, that should stand up in appeals court.

Note to Coach Ray Lopes: When faced with the prospect of prison time, the first step is preparation. You can start by boning up on your N.W.A. lyrical knowledge. Take this handy quiz and break yoself. Don't be another sequel.

Even from Fresyes headquarters in New York, I've heard the little birdies talking about Lopes's resignation and whether it's related to his helpfulness during last year's murder investigation of former FSU basketball player Terry Pettis. More on this as it develops… But until then, you might as well root for Stockton in the NCAA Tourney.

Dear loyal readers, thank you for your patience, and my sincerest apologies for disappearing. You see, last thing I remember was early February, a party on Bourbon Street, Stacy Johnson-Klein and a voodoo curse -- then I think I fell into a K-Hole. Paramedics said they found me balled up in the fetal position in Louis Armstrong Park, with third-degree burns on 60 percent of my body. God, that was some party.

During this traumatic experience I had an awakening … a breakthrough. The Lord spoke to me several times, asking me the basic meaning-of-life questions: what kind of traffic I was pulling on Fresyes these days, whether I'd ever considered Google ads, and whether I guest-DJ'ed at parties, like those other bloggers. We chatted for what felt like hours, me and God. I came away refreshed, renewed and spiritually enlightened. Nothing but the burns and blogger's block remained.

I recount this story in order to let you know we (and by "we" I mean two lazy people with full-time jobs) are not dead. Fresyes will remain a living, breathing site for the foreseeable future. The updates may not come as often as, say, the real pros, but we'll be here for you, forever and ever amen.